Home again

After a very stressful holiday I must say the best thing about it is coming home again. It wasn't all bad but I forget how much I love being home. Christmas Eve was uneventful. My mother took the liberty to pick my carless ass up at 8. We went to my Grandparents house for a non-Christmas dinner. Which consisted of food and awkward conversation. My mom stayed far away from my aunt while my aunt bitched to me when she could about my mom and vise versa. I was woke up at 7:30 by my siblings and endured a day of them fighting. Mostly because sincce Christmas was over it automatically doesn't matter how they behave. Which was great, since my family doesn't know I smoke and by midday I was crabby and willing to tell them! It might have made thinggs easier but I haven't told them in this long I decided that waiting wouldn't be a huge deal. We went to go see a movie and I calmed down a bit. As the day dwindled down the kids went to bed and I felt like stabbing my brain and passing out. This morning was a lot easier. Besides the fact that I woke up to cat piss all over half of my clothing. My mom thought it woud be an awesome idea to bring her with! Let's just say when I did see her she was hiding from everyone! I think she was a little pissed off! I sat through family pictures at a professional photo studio just for my mothers pure enjoyment. I got my Christmas present which I'm typing to you on right now! I conned my mom into driving me back tonight due to the fact that I wanted to. Even though it was the most stressful trip I've had up there I must sasy there were sometimes when it was actually pretty fun. My siblings did behave for some of the time. I got to spend some quality time with everyone. I got a mother fucking laptop. I must say though coming home and enjoying the 3 minute cig and a beer was a little better than it sshould have been! I might be a horrible person for thnking that way but my god it was and really that's what Christmas is about!

The drones are after me!!

I was slightly seduced this morning by a company who said they could hook me up with some money. All I needed to do was to place ads in my blog about this company or that! Then they take a percentage and the credit card company takes some! But in the end I get money for writing! Wow, how tempting! They know just how to warm my heart in this tough economy! You mean all I have to do is sell out to the big companies and I get money?! God why didn't I think of that? I could have been scamming all you readers into looking at ads!! Golly! Well if all I need to do is sell my soul and practically go against everything I believe in, I'm in! Right?! No.... I've stated many of times on here that this is an AD FREE BLOG! That's right big companies! AD MOTHER FUCKING FREE! I am going against "the man" here and bringing you my quality ranting and rambling for free! I expect nothing out of my readers but their input and time! I mean if you want to send me pretty things and/or cupcakes do feel free! So thank you readers for being here and do expect this and all of my blogs to remain ad free as long as I am alive!

Thank you again readers and thank you big company that tried to seduce me for giving me something to bitch about!

Change. It's been on the tip of every ones tongues for the past well year plus now. I've heard so many people excited for change! The air thick with anticipation for something greater to happen. I went out after election day like many of the other millions of people and trust me the tension was thick. After Obama won it was like a dark cloud had over passed. People were talking to each other, even hugging each other! Here in Minneapolis! I know it's strange! Even I felt this overwhelming air of victory. Yes I screamed at some cars in my drunken state smiling from ear to ear when they screamed back. The next day people looked me in the eye on the street. I felt like for once the city was a peaceful place. Like I could be walking and someone would just hug me randomly, stroking my hair while whispering in my ear that everything is going to be alright. I know it kinda sounds creepy, but you get where I'm going with this! The weeks to follow have been the same. All about change. What's going to happen? Will he be up to the job? The newspapers and websites all seem to be gearing in that direction. Yes, we won! Well, now what? Uhhhh... of course we question. I've settled into a nice routine of not caring about politics yet again. Hopefully soon I can even start talking to my McCain loving friends. Change is what everyone wants. Things are still okay but you know what would make them better?! Change. Ohhh I know, I'm so witty!
Speaking of change, it's fucking cold out! Seriously, I was just getting use to being able to show my collar bone again! Why must I live in the tundra?! Yes I ask myself that every year. The bitching about cold weather has only begun! You just wait until January! I need to move.

Wooo new article!

I have the newest article for the work paper done! Please give me some sort of input on it! I tried to make this one less corny, since it's a volunteer piece.

Time to interact!

Tucked away in Minneapolis’ North Loop neighborhood is the Interact Center for the Visual and Performing Arts. They are a nonprofit organization that offers professional level training to artists with disabilities in theater arts, visual arts and writing. The bright paintings pop from the brick walls as you walk down the hall from the entrance. The sound of laughter leads you into the magical place, which is filled with smiles. The Interact Center is recognized as a national leader in progressively pairing social services with the arts to shift society’s view of disabilities away from deficits and towards limitless possibility. They work with numerous local artists who gladly come into help teach workshops in different art mediums from ceramics to woodcarving. The skill involved in some of the projects is simply amazing! The theater section works together to write and produce two original performances a year! They have been working with the Mixed Blood Theater on their latest performance, Sindibad. The fun, positive attitude seems to spread through out the place as easily as the paint does! They are looking for volunteers to help with everything from studio assistants to special events volunteers. If you don’t have time to volunteer for this amazing organization, please consider donating to them. You can find more information on their website www.interactcenter.com or at 612-339-5145.

Broke, broken, and drugged up

Yesterday I had the day off. As fun as it could have been, I woke up earlier than usual to walk all the way across Minneapolis only to find out the place I was trying to go to was even further and I was 15 minutes late. I was attempting to find an place to write my next article on. Which is a "volunteer" piece. As in I can find a place to volunteer for or I interview a volunteer. Trust me the pleasure of walking at least a mile in the freezing rain only to end up having to turn around and walk back at 9:30 in the morning, well it was amazingly unpleasant. I hate waking up early in the first place. I sure as hell hate walking in freezing rain, especially when it ends up to be a worthless mission. I get home and prepare the meal of all meal. I try to scarf as much of it down before 12:25. Trust me it was amazing, if I would've had more time I would have made more. At one I'm at the dentist, by two I get to leave. Another tooth was extracted. Two teeth now this year have chipped on me beyond repair. I'm starting to think that by the time I do hit thirty I'll be able to give 'gum jobs'.... that thought scares the hell out of me. What is the best part about having a tooth ripped out of your skull? To be honest you're extremely nappy after and usually you get better pain killers than I did. As I wait for my pussy pain killers to be done at the lovely drug store I wonder the aisles. Now I can't talk at all, obviously. I just wonder and observe. The strangest fucking people roam Minneapolis drug stores. A man walked up to me who looked like a fat Weird Al with a comb-over and told me "I saw the oddest thing today... a bagel... with cream cheese. Isn't that just weird?" I just shook my head yes because I can't freaking answer him with a no. Because to me it's weird that he's talking to me in the first place. Let alone telling me how odd he thinks cream cheese on a fricking bagel is. When I finally get called I go up to get my lovely meds along with a bottle of pain killers I'm more than excited to get the hell out of there. The walk home is painful. The drugs they gave me are wearing off and the throbbing pain is starting to begin. I long for a cigarette. Yes I know I was trying to quit, it was a lot easier for me to quit that whole quitting thing. Once I finally get home I need to distract myself before I can take a pill. I read a book and in no time I get to take numerous pills. As I wake up from a drug induced nap I have to wipe nasty blood that has dried on my cheek. I am amazed that my cheek has finally went down from its swullen state. I don't know why I didn't take today off. All day I have been swept by waves of nausea. I've been attempting to keep myself walking in a straight line. After the first three hours of work I stopped this and have just been using the wall as a support system. I can not believe how hungry I am. The more I think about eating the sicker that I get. The taste of blood still seems fresh in my mouth. I pop a vicodin after my lunch of extremely expensive condensed soup and suddenly all is good. Of course that's once they actually kick in. The dizziness has stopped I mostly feel like I'm floating when I walk. The wall has been a good friend today. Yes I'm pretty out of it. Have people noticed? Of course! I can't even talk to anyone without my head bobbing back and forth. I want to go home, take another pain killer and pass the fuck out. Only three more hours of this and I can! Hope you all have a great weekend. I know I will!

It's Motherf*cking Halloween!

The time is upon us. Today is Halloween! As I might have said before this is my favorite holiday out of all the lame holidays in existence! I can not tell you how excited I am! Really, I know it's lame. This is the only holiday that I actually have fun on though. Dress up, eat candy, get ridiculously drunk, and make fun of slutty girls. Greatness! I have yet to actually decide on my costume. I was going to do a group costume with my friends. We planned on being Tetris pieces. The pieces are already made but as it got closer, I changed my mind. It seems too damn simple and I am not one to be plain. Also I usually make fun of group costumes. I've thought about being a raver, but I don't know. I was a fairy last weekend. Yes I know two costumes for one holiday is a little much but really I can't help it! Last year I only went to one party. One, very boring party. I plan on having fun this year. Whether I have to ditch my friends to do so or not. Yes my moral dilemma is that they are women and they seem to hold a grudge for a while. I've considered hanging out with them for a while in Tetris theme and then going to another party as a raver. Is that too much? No because it's motherf*cking Halloween! I do what I want! Also I have been bothering my mother about Christmas. This year we might actually be skipping it. She wants to go on vacation and since most of the people in my family I only see on Christmas I kinda feel bad. On the other hand I'm being a selfish bitch this year and if Christmas is missed that will mean I've successfully missed every main holiday with my huge, hick-filled family!! Also I know that you all remember how much I hate Christmas! I really hope it can be skipped! Wooo lunch time... have a lovely night! Remember that booze is the key to happiness!

awkwardness

It's Saturday and I'm leaching off of a friends internet. I've been sitting by myself for the past 2 hours trying to decide if I should leave. Isn't that always awkward?! The friend in question was just going out for a couple hours while I continued to nurse my hangover by sleeping more. The thing keeping me here is the promise of a free lunch when they get back. Alas that was around 11:30... it's been far more than a couple hours. I'm starting to get hungry.... would it be rude to leave? I'm always unsure how to treat situations like this. It wouldn't be a big deal if I had a working phone but my phone is not working due to my cat spilling water on it yesterday while I was sleeping. That would make things easier for me, to call and go. I just don't know... in my head it's far past lunch. I wonder if I'm obsessing more over this because today I'm (attempting) to quit smoking. I know I thought I'd be one of those people who you'd have to pull the cig from my cold dead hands. I'm actually attempting to quit which so far has made me more of an obsessive crazy person than usual. I've been close to tears on a few occasions making me want to stay here because I'm afraid if I do leave I'll be upset and will buy smokes. Trying to be strong has never been so much fun! It's even more odd because friend in question has roommates. There are roommates home who have yet to actually talk to me that much. Which I guess is fine... it's just making me more awkward. Making me obsess more on my awkwardness... making me want to smoke. This cycle is really fun!! Maybe I'll just go back to sleep. I thought internet would help me feel better but it's just making me more hungry and more angry...

there's going to be blood?!

Alas, I am finally excited for something! I know you are so use to my angry ranting that I probably just disappointed you. It's fine, I understand. Since you're already here though listen up! This Saturday is the day I've been waiting for. This year has been long and I am having a hard time waiting for it..... Yep, it's the Zombie Pub Crawl!!! I know, just when you gave up on the dreams of me being a geek. I just blew your mind with my geeky hotness!

On Saturday I will be breaking out my office apparel and covering myself in fake blood. Yep I'm going as a corporate zombie. Mostly for my own amusement. So in my drunken state I can annoyingly point out that I work in an office there for I am always going to be a corporate zombie.... maybe I'll get pity giggles out of it. I'm actually making the "blood" tomorrow! I never get to say that!

Watch out because I might just try to get your scrumptious BRAINS!!!!!!!

whahahahahaha.... I seriously have nothing better to do with my time! :)

Yep it's true... I probably do just need to get laid!

I've been aggravated all day. I could blame it on the 4 hours of sleep I somehow got last night because I decided it would be a good idea to watch the third lord of the rings last night, the pure fact that everyone is pissing me off or the crazy women in my life. I'm choosing all of the above.
Yes, I finally finished the lord of the rings. I know I'm quite behind on my plan of reaching the complete geek dream girl.
I've already complained quite a bit about women and how they are insane. I'm one of them and I can admit it, I wish the rest of them would. I'm starting to really miss having those male friends I use to have. Why doesn't anyone want to drink a fricking beer or four without talking about their god damn feelings?!
I'm convinced that all other people are really just trying to get on my evil eye glares for at least a week list. Like yesterday it rained, no poured when I was walking into work. Now I don't know about you but I can't walk quite as fast when I'm being pummeled with rain. So I come into work 10 minutes late. My boss happens to be in my area and refuses to stop embarrassing me in front of my fellow coworkers until I say that I am ashamed of myself. The audacity! This is the same boss who I'm certain is having an affair with this really dumb girl in the office. Just so you know he's married and I'm the one that should be ashamed. It rained, I was wet, I walk slower when wet and I wanted to make sure that I didn't look like complete shit before I came in here. Today everyone has just assumed that I can read minds and that I can also do everyone else job for them. Leaving me to be very passive aggressive which I don't like doing but I can't straight up say do your god damn work. No, I have to be nice and say yes I can do this even though you are just sitting on your ass not doing anything while I have 10 things I need to get done with in the next hour. No, one more wouldn't hurt but a thank you would be nice.
On the plus side I finally got my tax returns only 8 months after the first time I had to send them in. Yes I sent them in more than once. I think I ranted about that. Now I know that the government isn't out to get me by not giving me the money that I deserve for working this god damn job.
I've gotten another horrible habit of looking at Craigslist for hours at a time. I can't wait until I find a missed connection about me! I'm hoping it will be sort of like this....

You: Angry looking, tall woman wearing headphones; who I accidentally bumped into walking home on Lyndale Avenue.
Me: The guy you then kicked in the shin and threatened to push into traffic.
You seemed very aggressive, I like that, lets get drinks....

Oh the world if really fuelling my alcoholic tendencies lately. It's pretty horrible when someone you don't really know that well tells you that you probably just need to get laid!

ramble on....

Wow, I'm updating up a storm here! After a great quite night yesterday I went on a shopping purge today. I don't know why I do it. I spent my lunch hour at the dreaded Target and ended up hobbling to the check out lanes. A full basket and a comforter slung over my back made it really hard to walk! I seem to have came to the conclusion quite some time ago that shopping makes me happy. I know it's such a damn typical girl thing to say. Yet I actually hate shopping. I loathe crowds and don't even get me started on looking for god damn shoes! I tend to get really happy about shopping for shit that I actually need. Yes I get a buzz off of it. Today I was more pumped over cleaning products being on sale then the free lunch I got from work. I must be getting old! My sad existence was brought to a happy medium by cleaning products... I think that's the first time I've actually admitted it.
After I got back from my shopping extravaganza, a girl from work asked me to take a day off. I was kind of offended at first! I mean wouldn't you be! I kind of took offense in the first place because I dislike her. Then she told me she really needed the overtime and gave me the sad story of broke up with boyfriend, blah blah blah. This is the first time I've actually been asked by her to take time off. Actually I think it's the first time ever I've had a coworker ask me to take a day off. So I took friday off, even though things are tight for me too. At least I have paid time off!
I am going to see Choke on Thursday night. Which is something I've been looking forward to. I am really a big fan of Chuck's work. Choke was probably my favorite book out of all that I've read. Yes I do have my gripes about him as most people do. He's so great at sucking you into the story, yet I always feel his endings are far too rushed to tie ends together. This isn't always a bad thing but to me it is. Usually after reading his books I'm just left with that 'what the hell' kind of feeling.
I'm actually excited that I don't have work on friday, so I'm hoping the rest of my week goes quick! I hope you all have a quick week as well! Yes I'm pulling a Chuck and ending it at that!

spilling...

The past few weeks I have had maybe two days to myself when I don't need to be social. My friends have been under the impression that I am depressed so they've been trying to keep me busy. I suppose it makes sense that they feel like they need to be here for me now. Since after I got mugged I wanted to be around people more, but most of them were busy with their own shit. It's felt like they're trying to make up for it but I don't need them to. I'm actually more depressed that I can't have more than one night per week to not have to actually be around anyone but my cat! I like being able to sit around in my pajamas and having the option of just playing Zelda or drinking by myself or both! That's my happy place, by myself and not in pants. Alas, they're girls and they jump to conclusions. Like a few months ago they were concerned that I had an eating disorder because I am thin! These are the same girls who have been my friends for years and I honestly haven't really lost or gain too much since I've met them! Just because I am a bitter, single woman doesn't mean I need help. I do love to be around my lovely coupled friends. I don't like how they can tell me over and over again that one day I'll find love like them. Like that will really change my life that much! Stupid, stupid girls! I'm fully content with my boring life! Now I keep wondering though if I am depressed since I fully allow them to drag me along. Forcing myself to not say no to them. I don't know I have just felt like I really don't care anymore. Not depressed just not caring. I don't know what to think anymore since my mind has went numb after thinking about death far too much since the whole mugging thing. I've brushed it off but I really don't care so I guess they have ever right to think that I am depressed in some ways. I just wish they would actually talk to me about it then assuming that I am. I don't know if that makes any sense or if I'm just being crazy.

I ended up leaving this weekend to get away from their craziness and I suppose my own. I haven't seen my family in months and as usual I doubt it helped. I was extremely intoxicated on saturday with my dad. We saw my dead beat brother, who has two kids and works a part time paper route for a job! He has no intentions of doing anything but sucking off of the states tit. I'm happy that I am the only person in my family who is actually "doing something" even though I'm really not! My mother was quite lovely on sunday. She brought up the mugging, my lack of ambition, my thinness and my singleness all in 7 hours! Oh but she likes my hair! That was the most positive thing she said! So I have the self esteem of a thirteen year old now! Right once I got home the girls dragged me out of the house, so I had ten minutes to myself after the hectic 2 hour drive. They asked me to hang out tonight but I really don't think I can! I need some god damn time~ although they are trying to seduce me with fondue. I've never actually had fondue and I have no will power to actually say no.
I might end up leaving the city again in the next couple weeks to the great state of Wisconsin. A friend of mine moved there 2 years ago. He was in town last thursday and he didn't have time to call me. So I need to go to Madison and kick his ass.... I need a drink already!

I think I enjoy ranting too much.

So I must remain weird with crazy people in my life otherwise I'll have nothing to say on here!

brains are dying

Yea I can write corny articles for the work paper!!!

I think I just died a little inside....
I have nothing else to say....
I'm jumping off a building now

Fergus Falls

Autumn is the time to relax and enjoy beautiful scenery; what a better way to marvel at the changing leaves than a road trip? During a surprisingly quick 3 hour drive northwest of the metro, you’ll have plenty of time to soak all the colors in. When you arrive in Fergus Falls, you feel the comforting vibe of a small town. It’s a great place to go out and enjoy nature. With a thousand lakes and many wilderness trails to choose from, you’ll be glad for the brisk fall air! If you’ve never had the opportunity to feed ducks and geese by hand, check out Lake Alice. It’s the perfect place to stroll around and meet some friendly locals. Don’t forget to bring some bread! For the book enthusiasts there is Biffley’s, where you can roam the shelves that cover floor to ceiling in the basement! They also have a wide variety of kid’s books and those old cassette tapes you thought you’d never see again! There are a few interesting restaurants around town as well. The Viking, which is a hot spot for locals and travelers, has the best breakfast around. The townspeople are more than helpful to let you know where to go for the most crave-worthy food you’ve ever had. Fergus Falls is also home to the world’s largest otter which is located in Grotto Park. Otto, a forty foot long statue, is quite a sight to see! It’s located right next to a great picnic area and playground, which is one of the most relaxing places to finish up those summer reads. Fergus Falls’ slogan is “Find Us, Lose Yourself,” and they do a great job of helping you do just that!

rough

Another day, another migraine. Seems to be the way things are going recently. I am starting to get really tired of being friends with girls. I swear, if I could go one week without being pulled into their mini-dramas I'd actually consider stopping drinking. Since that seems impossible I'm keeping with my alcoholic ways. I was suppose to have received a payment from one of the girls for a refund we got on our hotel room. She has yet to talk to me, go figure!
Yet I know she went on a huge shopping purge over the weekend. I will not call her out on it until my promised money is not put in my hand. The past few months she has been increasingly miserable in her relationship yet she flops back to happy on a whim. It's driving me insane. Don't cave one week and say no I don't see us having a future I just want to stay with him to use him to this week yelling at a concerned friend for giving you any advice on your 'loving relationship'. Women are god damn confusing the hell out of me. This is why I can't be a lesbian, besides the whole not attracted to girls thing.
The almost married friend was the one giving her advice so I don't know if it came out high and mighty since she is getting married. This is where my head explodes and I no longer care. I'm sure if I put it nicely as I can not afford any booze right now and you bitches are driving me crazy I might actually get some money out of her. My sober life needs to be pickled I've listened to way too many girls squabbling this week, damn it! Speaking of women who are annoying me, my supervisor is driving me insane! She has spent a majority of this week on the phone and not communicating with us properly. I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what the hell is going on when she leaves for hours at a time just in my head to piss me off.....

Ohh god I'm becoming more like them. I'm bitching and moaning.

If you want to help me please donate to the "Get me drunk" fund.
All proceeds will go to the liquor store and help me stay out of a mental hospital!

Minnesota Pride

So I feel like I need to put my two cents in like everyone else about the Republican National Convention in town for the next couple days here. The protests that occurred yesterday ending in a mass arrest of people. Hundreds were pepper sprayed, detained, and labeled "anarchist". I know many people who had been there to protest and believe me these people were far from being anarchists. Many young families had brought their children, for god sakes! I was actually on my way to protest when I heard word of the violence that was erupting, so we decided to wait until tonight to go. The streets are swarming with Republicans and police even here in Minneapolis. I understand that a lot of people are upset, but I was under the impression as many people here were, that this was going to be a peaceful protest. MY problem with the Republicans being here is the problems that they create just by being here. St.Paul area should not have to be in a police state. People trying to voice their opinions should not be afraid to do so.
I had the bachelorette party this weekend which we had been planning for the last year. Our hotel decided to GIVE OUR suite away to one of the Republicans and try to replace our suite with twin size bed room. That's right they took our god damn room!!! That deserves anarchy!!! The masses of Republicans staying at our hotel decided to hassle us all night. Many of the YOUNGER males of course were extremely rude to us. When asked if we were voting for McCain we all answered "hell no"! They told us to stay out of the hotel because we were "America haters." I rebuttal with a swift "I don't hate America you see, I hate all of the stupid people who live here though." Remember how I said I get cocky when under pressure? Well being drunk gives that same cocky attitude.... So what does that say? Both sides have their bad seeds. I truly believe that there are good people on each sides and although I lean far more towards the Democratic side. I'm not a huge hippy and I'm sure they are not all gun-wielding idiots. I don't think that destroying property was really a good thing. I think a lot of people do have their stereotypes about the parties. I just believe a lot of people are angry after the past 8 years and want change, whether it be one way or the other. Many of the protesters were just trying to state that opinion. I will definately try to do the same.

the circle goes round

Last month, a year after working here, my work paper did a 'get to know the employee' article on me. I've been overwhelmed by the amount of attention I have received. Random people have been asking me about my art work and writing. Usually I felt pressured by the lewd comments like 'so yer an artist, eh?' or 'really you walk everywhere?' I've half joked that I liked it better when no one really knew me that well and I could just be the quiet girl who worked here! I did though!! Well amazingly, I have been offered a small writing gig for our work paper. It's pretty unimpressive but I'm excited to do my first piece! I've been doing sketched for the paper for the past 6 months roughly, so I guess it was only a matter of time.... I just didn't really expect it or think about it for that matter. I know it's lame to get excited about something like this but hey I'll take what I can get!
The past couple of weeks have been really hard on me. I'm happy that almost everything is back in place now. I have a check card again!!! I will have an ID soon, hopefully! I have friends to buy me booze!
Oh and I have started a novel kinda... well I started it a month ago. Then, I threw that away and restarted it. So I will share it with you now since I really have too much on my mind to make an actual blog that isn't random thoughts. Give me some sort of opinion please before I burn it with hatred! I love it right now but you know how judgemental people can be with their own writing! Thanks...

Chapter One

“Please let us on,” the woman pleaded, “I’ve offered you everything I have, beyond my children!” The flustered bus driver kept his stance in front of the bus. “We can not help you,” he said, “I will tell you once again, madam. I am not picking up; we are only stopping for a rest.” The desperate mother gently rubbed the child latched to her chests head. Her eyes had filled with tears after spending the last fifteen minutes begging for a way out. Not to be degraded she turned around in a fiery and walked away from the bus. Her children followed her with their heads low, as though they already knew to ignore the few pitiful glares over. This was a scene that had become familiar to Olive as she made her trip on the crowded bus. Every town they have encountered had the left over people that were too poor to flee lined up on the street. In their desperate time of fear they grasp out for help, the passer bys, only to be denied again. As the bus rolled on they threw stones at it and cursed all who rode. The other riders aboard became quiet after each occurrence. She heard their muffled cries and prayers, wondering if they all had the same fears that she did. After a hope they’d be safer here, the same scenes are still happening the closer they get.
Many of the people on the bus were not so different than the mother. They could not help but to pity her and wish that they could do more. For when it came down to it the people were all the same, at least those that hadn’t succumbed to violence. Most of them were grasping onto their own children, afraid of letting them out of their loving hold. They all had the same fears build up as she did. That the safety they knew as home was no longer safe. This was a feeling that can discomfort even the strongest of men.
You see, there was a terrible war starting to burn up the country. It had been fuelled for so long now that tension was thick in the air. At first, the food supply ran low and the prices rose more every day. The simple things became unaffordable to people. They were loosing their homes and their dignity. A panic arose, while friends and neighbors turned against each other. It started off with small things, but when the violence became worse so did the fear. Other countries began to invade, knowing that they were all weak now. The people were too busy trying to keep their own lives together then to worry about a possible attack. When they became more frequent and more people were dead, the faces of the city could no longer maintain their tough appearance. In a last ditch effort for safety, the people who could flee did so, searching for hope. Olive boarded one of the last buses out of New York. She had a small bag with her belongings, the clothes on her back and a blanket her mother made her wrapped tightly around her. This comforted her because it felt like it was embracing her and keeping her safe. She had just turned twelve a month earlier, which seemed a lot better than the way things are now. She had a good comprehension of all that was happening. She wasn’t a naive child anymore and her parents knew that. They made no promises that they would meet her, just that they would try after they straightened up what they could. She knew better and mourned them even though she was unsure if they had already died yet.
She grazed her hand against the cold window and wished that what they said was true. It had been rumored that the war had been taking on the coasts. The smaller populated areas in the Midwest seemed unharmed by it. It was though they were casted back out for bigger fish. The cities had crumbled, filled with greed, as the meager farms prospered. Well, at least that’s how the stories go. Olive wasn’t true how much of this was true. She also questioned if it would be any better since now the masses had begun to dispersed there. Would they once again become targets? These thoughts and fears seemed to be apparent in everyone else as well. She knew better than to worry about the unknown.
Her thoughts drifted off from the current uncertainties to the place she was going. She remembers her grandparent’s farm fondly. She had spent numerous summers there in central Minnesota. So many that she could remember the tiny details that never seemed to change. The way the air smelt so clean, usually of newly cut grass or hay. She knew the feel of the dirt driveway against her feet as she’d walk it freely. The way the old lilac bushes would spring up in those lovely colors around the old blue farm house. She smiled at the thought of the multitude of different farm cats that would scurry between her feet whenever she graced the outside. Most of all she remembered the lovely faces of her grandparents and their tender embraces. This was her safe place, the only place she knew she could live without fear. She drifted off to sleep with the thoughts fresh in her head and the smile still glued on her face.


****So that's what I got so far. I fell like when I write I tend to ramble to much. An honest opinion would be helpful, since I wanted to start stronger than I usually do... have a good night! Ohhh and happy blogging!

reasons for my (recent) anxiety

I've been taking a break from blogging, although I'd rather be taking a break from life. In times like these where it's easy to be pulled into the darkness of the falling economy and wars I've tried to keep myself upbeat. Long behold my upbeat attitude was demolished and I have been a huge ball of anxiety this week. On Saturday I had spent the day with my friend. We went to grab some tasty Perkins and even better drinks. While chitchatting the time away, we sucked down three rum and cokes. I made my exit gracefully after she had been seducing the bartender and slightly stumbled home. I have always been very keen to my surroundings so walking never scares me. In an odd train of thought I decide to have a smoke outside before I attempt the three flights of stairs to my heavenly bed.I usually don't smoke outside at night but it was before midnight and I was tipsy. As I sit waiting for my friend to call me back to let me know she got home safe a pair of men walk up to me and ask for a cig. Not a big deal, I tell them a lie that I am out. They keep walking after one of them fumbled and says he needs a lighter since his friend gave him a cig anyway. I graze my hand at the bottom of my purse for the needed flame when his friend pulls out a gun and places it to my temple. Now I have never had a gun to my head before and for those of you who haven't let me tell you it's by far the scariest thing ever. The gunman yells at me to give him my purse. Not wanting to risk my life when they'd end up taking my purse whether I was dead or alive, I took it out of my lap and handed it to them. As they nonchalantly walked away I yelled back at them asking if I could have my phone back. Who does that? Honestly I don't know what got into me! They yelled 'bitch no' and continued walking approaching a man outside of the building next to me. As they headed closer to him I grabbed my keys that were luckily in my lap and headed inside. In a frantic I started walking down the first floor and as I got to the mail boxes a group of people were leaving their apartment to go smoke. I asked to use their phone and explained the situation. The cops arrived with in a minute, which was surprising. And in about 5 they pulled up out front with one the men. Just my luck, he lacked my purse and the gun. So I had to talk to the police to put in my report. After what seemed like forever I finished up my statement just as the man from the other building walked up saying that he was assaulted by the two men! I thanked him for coming forward and exited the cop car feeling lucky to have been well that damn lucky! Immediately I ran to my friends apartment which happens to be next door to mine and she called in the troops. The two other girls I hang out with regularly showed up and we talked after I got off the phone with my bank. The things I learned out of this is I am a weak, skinny white girl and people were bound to fuck with me sooner or later. That I have the BEST friends ever and I have never been so happy to have such wonderful people in my life. Also, that I get extremely sarcastic under pressure. So I survived my first mugging. Do I get a gold star for that? I'm still trying to get over it and straighten everything up, but I'm okay. Well, better as the days roll on. I'm just so shocked that someone would be willing to risk my life and future for as little as they got. I guess the times really are changing....

sliding along

I took a vacation from work for a week. Nine whole days counting weekends. Today is the first day back. When I left I was feeling like I was in a rut. The days felt agonizingly long. I started slacking and not really caring about anything. It's not too odd but being away made me actually miss this place. Even as I spent my time wisely being able to live without routine or schedule, I missed it. I missed the people, even the most mundane tasked that seemed to annoy me before I left. I never thought that office work was my thing. I'm not saying that it really is, I guess it works for now. The thing that I needed was a kick start to replenish me. I started a story, something longer than the short stories that I usually produce. I'm working on it with a friend of mine. She will be doing the illustrations for me, since she needs "shit to do" and I needed a "reason to write again". I was apprehensive at first but the more I thought about it the more it seemed necessary. I need to get in the habit of free writing again. I'm not going to say this hit me right away. After spending a large quantity of my week chain smoking and drinking cheap booze I thought about what would help me release the tension I've let build up inside of me. I had gotten so angry with life. The things that I had wanted to do didn't seem to happen the way I would have liked. I wanted to leave the state, just to go somewhere. The only places I went outside of Minneapolis was up north to the family and Apple Valley to see Dark Knight at the Imax. I guess I thought leaving would help me. I don't know why I always think that I can run away from my problems and they'll fix themselves while I'm gone. All I got out of the small time I left was an irritated cat and a more stress caused by such family time. So I spent the last four days of my vacation plotting. I found a main character in my imagination and she grew. Suddenly I'm asking questions about this person who doesn't exist. I start feeling a building anticipation to figure her out. Who is she? How does she feel? I wrote more in that four days than I have on a story in a long time. As I attempted to read another book today while sitting on lunch I realized that I can't... it's weird. I've read article of artists who do this. They paint a similar scene or person over and over. Most don't imply it but it's almost like they are haunted by this image. Hoping to capture this thing that they created in their own mind. I think that's what happened and is happening with me. I've never felt such a strong connection to any of the short stories I've written. I'm hoping that I can share some of it once I am finished. Is it weird that I didn't think of writing until it was offered to me? I've always considered it as being so therapeutic to me. I have a journal and I have these blogs. Never before that moment did I think I should actually start a novel. I'm too pessimistic usually to think that I can even accomplish something like that. I kept thinking about the stress I had caused myself and how unnecessary it was. My mom told me she cried for 3 days after I mailed her the letter I had written earlier this year (I don't know if you all remember it). For some reason or another she asked me why I didn't write more often. She doesn't know me that incredibly well so I told her about the blogs I keep on here. Oddly enough she asked me more. Seeming interested and bringing this to our biggest bonding moment in years, I told her a bit about all of them. To my surprise she encouraged me to write and I blew it off. It feels like now, that I'm rambling, the signs were all around me to do this. Being here doesn't seem to bother me today because I feel like I have something more. I have this thing that might be wonderful growing in my brain and it's not a tumor! I almost think that's more why I needed the vacation. I needed to regain hope in myself that this isn't my only option. I'm a slacker though so will see how long I can keep this up!

Why?

The feds have yet to give me money. So I get to wait on hold forever! Yeah!!! I hate this. All I want is to get my money damn it. The most annoying thing to me ever is having to sit here and wait for them. I've got about 15 minutes left in me to sit here in wait since that will be my break time. I feel like a slacker spending the first part of my day on hold I can't help but wish I didn't have a scheduled break. It's just a cigarette damn it! So what's up feds it's JULY! Everyone else has gotten their money so where is mine? Oh, lost you say! Well, no thank you for having me on hold for the past 35 minutes so you can tell me that I need to re-send it and that you people obviously can't do your job correctly. Damn it. Now I have to figure that out and I'm working off of maybe 4 hours of sleep today. Which isn't really anything new. I haven't been able to sleep that much for the past week. They don't even have real coffee here! It's all decaf, which is like a really bad cock tease. I've tried everything to help me sleep. I've been reading, wrote close to a novel of thoughts in my journal, playing video games, etc. Nothing helps besides the obvious which is drinking and I feel kind of bad doing that every day. All I want is my god damn money from the government right now and a stiff drink. Or a whole bottle... it's a little past noon that's okay to have those thoughts right? Yea smoke time! Yes I know I'm bitching but I'm trying to update more! I shall rant to you soon...

Spiral of me

I've had it with today. Maybe not today, perhaps I have had it with myself. I can't seem to keep myself happy. I went to my happy place and everything. I pictured the blue sky, the fucking ocean and even puppies, no happiness to be found. I almost feel like I am at an odd crossroad. Let me explain. Last night, I had an epiphany. For the first time in a very long time I was happy. A rush of energy seemed to flow through my body. It felt humbling to be alone and feel this great power inside of me surging through my veins. I wrote at least 12 pages worth of rambling in my journal. All was well. I was grateful for experiencing this. I went to bed early with a smile on my face feeling as though I had things where I wanted them to be. When I woke up today it felt like all of that was gone. I couldn't seem to get in the right step of things. Such is life I thought, once you get things figured out they seem to dissolve down as quick as they were formed. I wonder if I threw myself into this place by putting so much pressure on a pure feeling. Nothing amazing had happened really to make me happy. When I was younger I imagined bottling up these feeling. Preserving them like jam or picked things to break out when needed. I feel like everything is out of whack today. The stress cause by the stack of bills, nonexistent motivation and lack of food. I realized last night during my happy surge the mistake that I've been making all of these years. I've felt a need to become something. Thinking to myself that if I do this or that I will become this. I would evolve into this wonderful person that I felt that I could be. After many tries and fails, I get upset and quit. I never quite realized that all this time I spend trying to become someone else should be spent appreciating who I am. I'm still not there. I can point out my flaws like no ones business. I know everyone does this, but it still doesn't make it okay. I don't know how to fully love and accept myself. Leaving me here, hating myself yet again. Blaming my problems on the day. Why is it so much easier to see the flaws? Why can't I seem to see the goodness of me? I wish I could be to a point where I don't want to change myself or my life. To just stay at that happy place. I doubt that anyone really gets there. Most of this spiral of thoughts is lead on by the one question I've been asking myself for years. What do I want to do when I grow up? Who do I want to be? Teachers ask you it in school. Parents ask you at home. The people around me already seem to have it figured out. I wonder why it seems so much easier for them to know what they wanted to do. Not for me! I have to sit there and nit-pick every option. I find a flaw in all that I think about doing and in my anxiety driven thoughts I decide that it won't work. I let my dreams unravel time and time again. I feel like I should allow myself to actually go for them instead I don't. Fretting to make a mistake or lack of judgement. I ease away from thoughts of school walking away from them when I feel they're impossible. Now my head hurts and the happiness brought upon me is from the clicking of a few aspirin against my teeth. No wonder I put myself down when I have been giving so much stress into a simple question. Agonizing over it for the past 6+ years. I need to find me and ask what I really want to do with my life once in for all. I need to stop beating myself up.

Breaking away

So it's that time. The panic driven and frustrating over thinking. My mind is racing and I'm smoking like a chimney. I've been planning out a cheap vacation. It's been years since I've actually had one and I think it's time. Obviously I have never done this before, on my own that is. Since I am a strong, independent woman I figured that it wouldn't be that bad! Right? I already have a week off from work, which was an incredible feat since so many people take the summer months off at the office. I have found my destination and how to get there. I'm amazed after spending the past two days on this, that I have almost everything planned out. It's odd, but I'm OCD at times. I seem to really strive at planning but I usually fail at the acting upon such plans. Lucky for me I have a bus ticket to Chicago and there is no turning back now! Part of me is scared to death of this. It's been a dream of mine to take a vacation by myself. I don't think that I'll have any problems *knock on wood* traveling by myself. I mean, come on, I live in Minneapolis! I'm not some country girl, I can handle my own in the city. My concern is finding a cheap place to stay, that's going to be safe. I don't really feel like being thrown into a ghetto area where I am afraid. Mentally this is agonizing. I feel like if I end up booking a hotel now I'll find one cheaper later.To think on the negative side, I could take my sweet ass time and have no place to stay unless I want to stay in such ghetto areas that I am trying to avoid. It probably doesn't help that I have no clue as to what these bad areas are in Chicago... I'm completely clueless. I just started planning this out and I know I shouldn't stress out. I have a hard time with the not stressing out part! I've been meaning to do this for me. I've been working so hard that I haven't even had time to really update on here... I just need to get away. Does anyone have any suggestions for me besides grabbing a bottle and relaxing for once? I would be very happy if I could get any tips on a cheap place to stay and also stuff to do while there... thank you!~

changes

My thoughts seem to drift in and out of where they should be lately. Almost like a temporary A.D.H.D bracing me. I have been contemplating a plan of attack. A way to "set my mark" on this world. This is something that has been bothering me. I wonder how many millions of others out there think this. I know it's one of the things that life is about, making or doing some thing to let the world know who you are. The more I think about it, the more I wonder how many people die before actually being able to do such. Perhaps, they spend their lives plotting, carefully planning out ways to shine above all. Even if for one second they are something more than just another person. I wonder often if it's even possible to make that huge of a change or what I could do to change things. I know the best way to start is to start small. I've heard before that even if you can't change the world you could change something small. I guess I have to high of expectations at times. I know taking the easy way out is far more appealing. Can I change the world sitting here in front of my computer? Perhaps not, but I can encourage thought through my writing. Thoughts can lead to action. I hope that all of you consider doing something even a little thing to make a change. Even if it's picking up a piece of trash on the street or smiling at a stranger, it's still something

Women....

Women, I don't get them. Yes, I know it should be easier for me since I am one of them but it's not. I grew up a tomboy, I didn't really start befriending women until high school and it honestly caused me nothing but trouble! I have a hard time trusting most women. In my experience I always end up getting burnt a lot more by my female friends than their male counterparts. I'm not being sexist this is just my point of view. I've had the 'friends' that stole my boyfriends and spread rumors about me. Those who have took advantage of me and tossed me out on the street like a piece of used furniture. My best friends that I have now are three women. They seem to be a different breed than the ones I have met previously. They have all been through the same things as I have. For the past 2, almost 3 years, I have grown to become family with these girls. To me this is a big accomplishment. I had a large lack of trust for all females even when I first began regularly hanging out with "the girls." Hell, I still have a lack of trust for most of the females out there. No offense to you female reader, hopefully you understand where I am coming from. I let my guard down and ended up falling in love with my girls. They are all very important to me and I love them like they were my sisters. So the thing is we have a regular ladies night. Every week we get together and hang out, It's been tradition since we first started hanging out again. I've been okay with others coming to be part of our ladies night. Usually they don't actually come regularly so it makes it better in my mind. We have a girl though, who keeps coming with. She is a good person and she means well. She was invited to tag along with one of my friends and has proceeded to invite herself to the ladies night. It's not quite a big deal my problem with her is that she annoys the hell out of one of the other girls and myself at sometimes. She tends to dominate conversations and is very pretentious. I also don't really trust her. She has done nothing to me to make me not trust her, it's just a feeling that I have. I know I should be willing and open to accepting her into the group, I just can't. I don't want one person who was not officially invited to join our ladies night to ruin it for the others. I usually have taken the role of our leader. This is by default, I started the tradition and usually no one else tends to step up to the position unless it's necessary. I feel like it is my responsibility to talk to the other girls to see how they feel about letting her keep coming or not. I just don't want to be the one to tell her. I have had the "talk" before with other girls that just weren't working out. It's like breaking up every time and I hate it. It's a lot more difficult to explain to someone that it's not you, it's us. I also don't want to be put in the position where I am always the one to have to let the odd ducks know that they are out. I feel like that might make any other new or drop in girls not want to talk to me. It seems silly but I don't really know what to do. So what are some opinions on how to solve this problem without being seen as the party pooper? While we're at it how can I encourage the other girls to step up and take the leader position as well?

Age matters?

I found an article online today which pissed me off. It was saying that my generation, the "Y's", have no culture. That we are lazy and spoiled individuals. Which is not surprising at all since every generation has a better time pointing out the flaws of the newest generation. The thing that really made me upset was just the generalization of us. According to the article we are dependent on MTV, we have horrible music and have contributed nothing to society. I hate MTV. I agree that there is horrible music out there but hasn't there been in all generations? They missed out on the pure fact that there is actually a growing scene of music out there, not just emo shit. The generation that I am part of has not had any time to flourish and grow. Yes there are some of us that fit these stereotypical views but most of us try to stay away from being like that. Once we do grow we can accomplish more to influence society and culture. I work hard with my 40 hours a week. I have been supporting myself without any help and am not lazy. I wonder who is to blame for the lack of culture and spoiled lazy generation they have such an easy time slamming. Hmmmm... could it be them? Well of course! Who brought up this generation? Who should have instilled them with culture to want to make it grow now a days? Who let them become lazy and spoiled? Their god damn parents. The generations before that raised us has an obvious impact on us. Just as other generations have had on them. They have such an easy time skimming off the top of our generation and not going more in depth onto what else we have contributed besides The Hills. It makes me so upset that they couldn't even point out one positive thing. I really hope that I don't end up like that with the next generation, although the thought of how they will be scares the hell out of me!

Extreme Pumpage

I am pumped! That's right people, pumped. It's finally nice in Minnesota, it's about time! The sun is shining and birds are singing! I can't help but to get excited. The downside is that I have this whole work thing. I hate being stuck indoors when it's this beautiful outside. I wonder how people who have offices with windows do it. If I had to stare outside all day at the lovely weather I would go insane! I already feel like throwing a hissy fit like a small child so I am allowed to play outside! I remember as a kid I was completely content playing indoors than risking burning to a crisp. Which is bound to happen since I am extremely pale! It's weird how your views change as you grow up. I feel more like a kid now than I ever have. I want to do so much this summer. I even made a list. Yes I am one of those people. I strive a lot better when I have a list in hand. My memory is not exactly the best, I usually say I want to do things and then it doesn't happen. The reason for my extreme pumpage is I am going to be part of my first art fair. The Red Hot Art Fair is on May 31st to June 1st. If you're in Minneapolis, you should stop by and show your support. There is going to be a lot of great artist out there! I can't wait, this is the first time most of my art will be viewed by people other than my friends. I haven't had a lot of time to actually write on here because I am either working on art or planning out ideas lately. Plus, I don't really have a lot to rant about. I am way too pumped for this thing! Yea!!!

strong drinks bring me happiness

After a dreadfully, long day at work yesterday, I headed to the bar right by my work. It's a dinky little place. There are beaded curtains covering the windows. It smells like humus from the Indian restaurant that is connected to it. I worked my way to the bar immediately and nodded at a few of the regulars that I've seen in there before. I use to hate going to the bar alone, but I figured if it's a block or two from my apartment it's definitely okay. I order a long island since they make them quite strong for me here since I tip well. They're playing blues over the sound system and a few movies on the televisions scattered through out with subtitles on. I pound down my long island and order another one. The bartender glances at me since he knows I don't pound them that quick unless it's been one of those days. Hell I usually don't come here unless it's one of those days! He asks me whats wrong, as I watch him pour a little extra of each liquor into a bigger glass for me. I just answer simply life. He sets down my drink and heads off to serve a few older gentlemen on the other side of the bar. When he comes back around he sets a jar of olives in front of me and tells me to eat them. I love olives and I've stated this to him before during one of our small talks. I think I ordered a martini one day and he laughed at me since they definitely don't serve them here. I told him I just like the olives not the actual drink. So since then on he's had a jar that he'll break out when he sees me come in like this. I think it's pretty sweet, usually I'd assume he was hitting on me. Since I have met his boyfriend when I went to the other bar (which is very gay friendly) on the block by my house, I know better! In between his orders he asks me how I'm doing and although I shouldn't I order yet another strong long island I end up doing so anyways. He puts this one in a regular size glass and I pout at him a little. Once I finish my drink I ask for my tab. He gives me the slip as I'm breaking out my wallet. When I look at it I see he only charged me for one drink. I look at him and ask why. He tells me, "it's been one of those days for me too and I figured it's the least I can do". I thank him and tell him I hope things look up, as he walks away to help a bouncy blond who's trying to hit on him. I'm always in awe with the generosity of people some times. I guess it's more of a bigger thing to me since I've been living here in Minneapolis, since it's rare to see here. I smile to myself as I look down at my five dollar bar tab. I grab a few olives and throw down a twenty. As I walk out he yells out to see if I needed change. I tell him, "it's the least I can do". Once I go home I lay in bed smiling, feeling way better than I did before. Thank god for strong drinks!

mistaken

The rain poured down as I walked into work today. I hate walking in the rain, I would much rather be walking in the snow. It's a weird concept but a very reasonable personal choice of mine. Anyways, as I'm walking with my head down I completely crash into this chick, I mean crash. It was not a bump and it was definitely not graceful in any way, shape or form. I sent her and her Macy's bags flying to the ground. She's shorter, with brown hair perfectly pinned back in a bun. She's wearing a teal rain jacket and pitch black skinny jeans. I notice her pick up her huge sunglasses first, my first thought is my god she's one of them! You know the type, the stuck up fashion crazed girls who shop for fun. I never understood that concept. As I picked myself up and helped her gather her things she looked at me with a odd glance. She gasped and squealed, "Dana?!!!" I looked around to see if she was talking to someone else but no she was looking at me. "Ummm no," I replied. "Oh come on Dana, Edina High class of 97," she said desperately, "It's me Julianna!" I kept giving her a blank stare. "You don't remember me do you," she quietly said glaring at the ground. "I'm sorry, I'm not Dana you must have me mistaken for someone else," I say quickly, lighting up a smoke in between words. She now has tears in her eyes, I thought it was just the rain at first but no it's tears. "Oh, I'm sorry, I just don't know anyone here," she said gasping as she spoke. I gave her a look of pity and walked away. I didn't really know what to say to her. I can't help it if I'm not Dana and I sure as hell wasn't going to pretend to be. I just felt so bad for the girl who seemingly had everything but was grasping out for a friend. As I started walking the rest of the way to work I couldn't help but to think about her. Did she really not have any friends? Couldn't she have met one of her type at Macy's? Is that horrible to think? I looked back and she was sitting on the sidewalk with her bags surrounding her like a shell. Her face was in her hands and her body looked like it was slightly trembling. I guess part of her wanted me to be Dana way more than I may ever know.

Here you are...

I promised a glimpse of who I am to those of you who have been faithful readers of mine over the past few month. I'm happy that someone at least appreciates (or deals with) my rambling. So here you are... not quite an impressive photo, but I try! More rambling to come, you can count on that!!!!! I've just been getting over a cold, plus I had a root canal on monday. Thank you again for reading! And yes that's a usual self pic pose... don't judge me!

Okay I lie... well I was bored

Here's a short story I threw together due to boredom of the sickness. There is really only so much I can do when I'm sick. Pretty much brought to you by cough drops and extra strength cold medicine. Enjoy! ***I must warn you, I swear like a sailor when I'm drugged up!

What the fuck is her name? Come on it’s in there, you remember don’t you? Blame it on the bad memory, I guess. The pure fact you were wasted and spent most of the time obviously staring at her breast probably didn’t help. Are you even sure this is her? The girl you were talking to? I mean she’s hot, but who the fuck knows! Did you actually look at her face while you were running your mouth trying to get her in bed? Damn it. Well she’s in your bed and you have no clue what her name is. Her blond hair splayed out over your nasty old pillow. She has dark circles under her eyes from last night’s makeup. After peaking under the blankets you realize that yes, she’s naked. She looks amazing naked. Nice, but you don’t even remember fucking her. Did you fuck her? Maybe she drugged you and took advantage of your drugged up state. Yeah right. Why the hell would she do that? You look over at a glass and take a sip, spitting it back out after realizing it was vodka and not water. Fucking harsh vodka, you can still feel it in your mouth from last night. It mixes against your morning breath making you taking a few seconds to cough the taste off. Why would you want that this morning? You carefully throw back the blankets, trying hard not to wake up the chick in your bed. You’re light headed and the room spins for a while before you can get your balance. Carelessly grabbing those nasty boxers off the floor, you sneak off to the bathroom. The light flickers on slowly and you wipe off the grunge of the mirror so you can see yourself. God that’s nasty, you remember why you want to move out of this shit hole you call home. You look like shit, hair sticking straight up and drool staining the slide of your cheek. You have a huge bruise on your chest, which is only exaggerated by a gash running down your arm. That definitely should be something you’d remember. The blood is dried on to your flesh and as you wash it off it stings like a bitch. Damn, what the hell happened? You remember talking to the girl that’s assumingly in your bed over a smoke outside. The two of you headed back into the party to take a shot. Of course you were trying to impress her even though you’re not a shot kind of guy. That’s it though, nothing more after that point. So you blacked out, right? Not like that’s the first time or anything. You finish cleaning yourself up and take a piss. You glance at yourself one more time, shaking your head before you stumble into the living room. Damn you look rough! The living room looks like a sea filled with people. There are articles of clothing lying about. A few people embracing the person next to them, their bodies meshed together. There are others lying curled up alone, looking like they wanted the warmth of someone else but passed out before they could achieve that goal. After rummaging through the countless amounts of passed out people, you find what you remember to be her purse. How the hell do you remember her purse and not her name? Well that’s beyond you. You look around to make sure no one sees you carrying her purse into the hall. Shit they’re all out, why do you even bother? After unzipping the thing you find a wallet on top, bingo! There it is, her id staring you in the face. Yes, that’s the one, the girl sleeping in your bed. Melissa, she’s 23 and an organ donor. Well that settles that question, thank god! You wonder if the other question you have about last night will be answered. You also wonder if you really care or would want to know. You set down her purse and wonder back to your room, crashing back on your bed. There goes being sneaky! She moans and tosses the blankets off of her head. She stretches her arms, exposing her breasts. She glances over at you with those green eyes still full of sleep. “Shit what happened,” she asks, “and I’m sorry but who the hell are you?”

I know, I know....

Since I seemingly have little to rant about and this god awful cold that has me laid out for week now. It seems like it might be a bit longer! So I figured I would open up both blogs to questions for the week. I should be back to top condition with tons to say but for now it's all up for grabs... Questions can be honestly about anything, and I promise will give an honest answer. The possibilities are endless! Thank you, you might get a lovely prize for best question! No pressure now!

head in the clouds

I've been reading this book all day today called Pretty Little Mistakes by Heather McElhatton. It's one of those alternate ending books, where you start off with one beginning and work your way through endless possibilities. It's amazing to really think about the choices you make in life and all the different things that happen or could have happened due to your choices. It's really been making me contemplate on my own personal choices in life. It's odd to really think how much different your life could be if things weren't the way they are. Everyday we are posed with different choices in life. Sometimes it's easy not to really think about the consequences of simple decisions that end up changing your life completely. I guess the best way to describe it is a complete mind fuck. It has really made me think all day about the "what ifs" of life. Like what if I would have stayed in my small ass hick town I grew up in? Or what if I wouldn't have dropped out of college? Stayed with my ex? I have never regretted a single thing that I have done with my life. Not one. It's easy to say that but I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I chose the path I did because that was the path I was suppose to take. If I wouldn't have done that I probably wouldn't be here writing on this blog! I definitely wouldn't be where I'm at with my life. I'd be some knocked up chick, with my 3rd child on the way, desperately wanting more out of life. Either that or a snobby hair dresser... Jesus I don't know what would be worse for me! It seems odd to think I wouldn't be who I am today. That I wouldn't know the people I do or think that way I feel I always have. Could things be better if life was different? Of course, but they could also be worse. I don't believe in destiny really. I don't think that we are destined to do certain things or that certain things happen because of some plan from where the hell ever. I think we are all posed with choices and those choices make your life. That life isn't some damn predetermined plot, that just doesn't make sense. Even though it's normal to wonder about how things could have been, I feel so happy with my life. Yes, I have struggled as everyone has. I disappointed my parents by dropping out of college. I hurt people that I loved at one point because it didn't feel right. I know that my choices have lead me to where I am and if I didn't do these things I wouldn't be me, god damn it! I guess that's why it's so interesting to read stuff like this. It makes you actually use your brain. Yeah... I'm going to go ponder life more, although it's snowing here (yea wtf!) and it's hard to think when anger consumes you!

Geek love

When I was younger my mom told me to find a nice geeky boy. She explained the theory that most geeky guys turn out to be the guys you want to settle down with. Of course I didn't listen to her and spent my teen years chasing after the usual burnouts and jocks. It wasn't until I left my small ass town, heart broken and some how std free, that I realized geeks are hot. After dating several of them and learning the 'geeky way' I realized how much I must have missed out on. Leaving me where I am at now a geeky girl, who'd much rather expand my music and geek knowledge than participate in the usual girly activities. While others enjoy shopping and clubbing; I've prided myself on being able to name the band within the first 30 seconds of any song on the public radio station and knowing every geeky site out there. Today when I was exploring the vast world that is the internet I ran across and article about why geeky guys are much more appealing now more than ever. It obviously drew my attention right away. As I read into it I was extremely disappointed that most of their case was on the pure fact that most geeks actually work out. Okay, so like go to the gym, making them in better shape than the once jocks of the world. WTF?! Seriously!!!! The reason geeky guys are attractive is because of that? It seems so superficial to say that is it. Most of the geeky guys I've been attracted to was not because of their physical qualities. They had stunning personalities, sharp wit and god forbid brains! They opened a different world that I didn't know about, letting me be as geeky as I wanted! By saying that these geeks are more attracted completely based off of their physical attributes you're missing the pure fact why these people are attractive, personality! I suppose it's easier to by pass this. When most people meet me they don't believe that I am a geek until we actually start talking. I don't break out my glasses that much and I guess from the outside I am less geeky than most. I take pride in the fact that I am geeky and honestly I get more ass now than I did back in the day. I would hope that it's not just because of my physical qualities but that my personality has something to do with it as well! I felt like that article completely missed the nail on the head and it made me angry that even as adults, some people are still stuck in that mind frame of high school dumbness. So to us true geek lovers and geeks alike I say prevail against the stupid people of the world!!! We're way better than them anyways!!!

picture my joy!

In an attempt to let you, my lovely reader get to know me. I figured I'd do a picture survey. Plus it's slow at work, and this seems more entertaining! Okay, I'm just being a lazy bastard, but enjoy...

What are you really into right now?





If you were to go to outer space for the rest of your life and could only take three people with you, who would they be?







What do you want to be when you grow up?



If you could say one thing to any one person right now and not have any regrets, who would it be and what would you say?



to all the crazies of the world....

What would be your dream life?



full time blogger, some where like this...



What makes you happiest?


Where do you want to go right now?


What do yo do to relieve stress?



What are you doing tommorow?


Seeing these guys...

candy!!!!

I've been popping Easter candy like it's going out of style today. One of the downfalls of working in an office, everyone stocks up on candy after holidays. Of course, they didn't have a gun to my head as I grabbed my sixth (okay, ninth) handful of malt ball eggs. Honestly, I can't help it. You place candy out I'm going to steal it. I think it's like an unspoken rule. Do I feel bad as the secretaries give me dirty looks as I grab an extra, filled with sugar and love candy? Hell no! I think Easter candy is some of the best candy out there! Even if I don't celebrate the holiday! Of course, I will sure as hell stock up my pockets full of the wonderful goodies and not feel even the slightest bit of guilt! For now I will live hopped up on candy!! I feel like such a rebel! Whahahahaha!!!!! I'm sure I will feel different after my sugar buzz recedes, my teeth hurt and my pants become uncomfortably tight!

rant, rant, rabble, rabble...

Waking up to snow this morning was like a punch in the face! I mean seriously it's March. It's not December, when you know it's most likely going to happen. It's spring now, when it this weather going to end?! I was almost going to put up a happy post yesterday about the nicer weather we've been having up here in the wretched state of Minne'snow'ta. It was like walking around to power pop, while unicorns and rainbows flew around you. I know that may seem lame but I'm trying to think of good analogies for wonderfulness! Well just imagine the disgust the next day of finding piles of snow and all your unicorns dead. Their blood splatted in the snow, while you walk to bad metal music. All this week there has been people walking around in t-shirts! I got to see skin! That's right, arms were bare! A few legs as well! But then this comes and we are forced to retreat back into our winter coats. I forced myself to the usual walk to work, even though I was cursing under my breath. I want to move.
It's funny how even the weather can be a slight distraction from the other thoughts that have been haunting me all week. I keep getting the same question popping up in my mind. It's almost like a bad joke. "What are you trying to prove?" It feel cryptic. I suppose a lot of it is the pressure I've been feeding myself. With me wanting to starting school soon and make an actual difference with my life. Yet, dealing with all of my friends in some sort of turmoil right now and seeing them failing with their dreams. I've always been the person they've turned to for help. Although I am the youngest of the group, they know that I am the more honest and willing to hear them out. Usually I am more than willing to lend a shoulder or give some sort of opinion. Unfortunately now it feels like they are all running to me like I'm a poor martyr. It honestly feels like there is a doom cloud surrounding everyone. The calm before the storm. I have yet to feel the wrath from it *knock on wood* but I know that something is happening. It's a feeling. Watching others being pushed down, while I am still climbing strong without any resistance. Yet, I feel this warning and I see the destruction. It's hard to explain. Perhaps I've just been reading too much science fiction lately! I just know last year I felt this and doom came as I had assumed it would. Some of my friends were forced to move, a few love affairs ended and everything seemingly changed in an instant. So I suppose I have every reason to be cautious. With this doom feeling lurking, I guess it makes sense why I am wondering what I am trying to prove. I guess I have a lot to sort through as I spend my weekend alone with my cat. I'm sure she can help me out by staring at me for hours and meowing annoyingly.

hookups and harping

All today I have been full of thought. This weekend I had indulged in the usual festive drinking. The green beer and strong wine hit me hard! As I'm sure it has with many people! I ended up finishing up a bottle of wine and dancing on a table. Not exactly my proudest moment! At the end of the night I hooked up with my friends hot neighbor boy. Let me explain before you start judging me. I met him a year ago after my friend moved in. He looks like the lead singer of a very artsy band that I love and he plays the piano. *Swoon* So what am I getting at? I mean besides bragging a bit! Although a lot of my friends high-fived me for even attempting that, one of my best friends told me I 'collect guys like some women hand bags'. I figured that maybe this was just a jealous remark after dealing with the end of her relationship the day before. I usually don't take things people say that seriously. In this case, since it came from a friend I did. I can still feel the sting of her comment today! So, is there still a double standard towards hookups in place today? I know a lot of the conservative views towards hookups have gracefully disappeared. I can see up to a certain extent this kind of behavior being negative. Also if things where the way they use to be in society. As in if a man goes out and hooks up with a hot girl he's a god! Alas if us single ladies hookup with a hot guy she's a slut. It's not like I'm bringing home a new guy every night. Trust me! Most of the guys I end up getting physical with I've known for a while and it definitely doesn't happen often! Perhaps I am looking for a good excuse to justify my actions besides the fact that we are both single, he was really cute and we are both consensual adults. What do you think?

As far as I have known life is not all rainbows and sunshine. This is nothing new. Day in and day out most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. The "thriving" middle and lower class citizens. Enthusiastic about the little we may have to spend on extra, unnecessary items. This is the way that society has brought us up. Cradling us in her arms in childhood and adolescence before throwing us to the sharks in adulthood. I strive for some sort of meaning to all. When I was younger I never quite understood this process. With a middle/lower class much larger than the high class, why have we not all come together to revolt against the way that society is? I guess part of me has always realized that some of us are content with the way our lives are now. The struggle of life is not a new concept for humans. We busy ourselves with mundane tasks to ignore the obvious surrounding us. It wasn't until this morning when I felt absolute suffering for another human that I started questioning this again. I know what you are thinking, the Buddhist is ranting about suffering! Let me give you a picture of what I saw. I was waiting for a prescription after a doctors appointment to help me sleep. I was nervously awaiting the dreaded co-pay that most medicine requires and staring at an unruly child who was definitely not wanting to go to the doctor. An older gentlemen around 70 I assume walked up to the pharmacy window. In a gentle voice he said he needed his heart medication and handed the pharmacist his slip of paper. The pharmacist glanced at him and promptly asked for an insurance card. The older gentlemen fumbled with his wallet and glanced back up to say he didn't have any. The pharmacist insisted that the medication wasn't expensive and it would only cost the man one hundred dollars for both. Once he said that, the man told him he didn't have any way to pay. He inquired that his son usually got him his medication but he was away on business. The pharmacist looked unamused and said there was no way to bill him and he'd have to come back when he actually had money to cover. I looked at the old man, trying not to stare as he folded up his slip of paper. His eyes filled with tears and his face filled with shame as he made slowly made his way out of the building. It was hard not to feel some sort of compassion for this man. Who knows maybe that medicine was really important to him. I felt like someone should step up and say the policy was wrong. If it's a life threatening situation how could you not supply someone with the medicine they need to feel better?

Like a prayer...

Maybe it's just the weather or something to that effect, but I've been feeling angry and anti-social lately. It's freezing here in Minnesota with what seems like no end. I'm finally getting over the flu that everyone seems to have right now. Which just leaves me slightly disorientated towards everything. I'm starting to wonder why I still reside in this frigged tundra. Everyone is huddled up in their homes trying to stay warm. Anger on the faces of those of us who have to brave it for another day.
In the mist of my coldness induced anger I get in a slight quibble with a coworker. This brings up the topic at hand which is much debatable, freedom of religion. Although we live in a land where freedom rings. What is appropriate for work when it comes to religion? My coworker is a very hardcore Christian. I can point out at least thirteen things in her work space that is religious affiliated, including a pocket bible. This does not bother me that much. I understand that everyone has their rights to make their space comfortable and if that does it for you, great. The problem at hand is pushing of religion. We were discussing my difference in religion from hers and she became very "preachy". In my head pushing your religious view on someone in a workplace is very inappropriate. I don't push my view on anyone whether in work or out because everyone has their own individual right to choose what works best for them. Although when confronted in a matter that seems pushy I will defend my views. If I started bringing Buddha statues and putting up Buddhism stuff everywhere it would seem like I was trying to start an all out war with her. But I can not really say anything just bite my tongue when it comes to her dismissing my views because hers are "right". I understand that a large percent of the population is Christian and that many work places will give other religious affiliations time to pray. So in a grey area, like a work place, what is appropriate when it come to religion? Is there anything you can really do about conflicting views?

dinky lame bars

So I finally hit up the bar in my hometown over the weekend. That was quite amusing. It seemed like any hellhole in the middle of nowhere. The neon lights burnt out and horrible music cranked. While the slutty girls spill beer everywhere and spread the love/usual sexual transmitted diseases. I haven't been anywhere around the town I grew up in about 5 years. I have done this not only by choice but by necessity. It's one of those god awful places that tends to draw people in, so it can suck the life force out of them. They spend their miserable lives at the dinky bar, while their hick significant others cheat on them under their noses. They make ends meet by working at the casino or the plastic factory in town. Imagine my surprise when I walk in to see most of my graduated class there. This is sarcasm. These people were completely worthless. The snotty, stuck up bitches who ignored everyone. The people who went to class more stoned than anyone I've ever seen in my life and I was brought up by hippies. My utter amusement stuck on my face as I smiled at them all. I'm not one to be this way. I never feel superior than other people. But these people almost seemingly deserved it. These were the people who would put down someone for not partying or buying *gasp* a shirt from target. All of them had kids, were married or currently divorced. I slammed a few shots and stumbled over to a table with my beer in hand. I didn't talk to one person besides my friend who brought me there and the bartender. Part of me felt sad for these people. The ones that I never would have guessed would still be there. For their age they looked ragged. It was almost pathetic to see what they looked like now. As I sat there feeling pity for these poor souls trapped in middle of nowhere hell, a girl I knew walked up to our table. She glanced at my friend and glanced at me. Standing there with cell phone to her ear and clutching her extremely fake designer purse, she pompously looked at us and walked away. Although I had every intention of ignoring everyone else in the bar it was difficult when they were so rude to us. So as we walked out to leave I saw her outside. One of her friends said I looked pissed. I looked at him confused and said, "No this is the best night ever!" I high-fived the guy, looked at her and then back to him. "You know it's not everyday I get an ego boast by seeing everyone I hate is still stuck here and they're still really lame," I added walking off with my friend. I have seriously never felt so alive! It may have been a low blow but I really meant it... I'm a horriable person!

Annoy me and I'll cut you

I've been having one of those weeks when it seems like I am surrounded by things that annoy me. No matter what I do they seem to follow me, as I bite my tongue and try not to say anything. I've noticed that some of the things seem slightly silly. So here's a short list of the things that I've noticed that annoy me. See if you think some of them are reasonable.

Too much denim. I can't stand it when people wear the all over denim. I don't know why. I actually saw someone wearing jeans, denim jacket, denim shoes and a denim hat. I honestly threw up. True story! The only person on earth that can pull this off is old school Jon Bon Jovi, back in the day definitely not now.

People who chew loudly- There is this lady I always see on my lunch hour who I'm assuming loves food. She chews it so everyone in the eating area can hear her. Not just loudly but almost acting like it's pleasurable. She moans and does a lot of lip smacking. It's almost like watching someone have a food orgasm. I can see how this might be attractive if she was a young woman but she's not. She's older than my grandma. It makes me want to be anorexic, just so I don't have to hear her eat!

The coupon lady. Every time I go to a store I seem to get stuck behind coupon lady. They have 10 items or less but every item has a coupon. I don't see how saving 10 cents on shit you really don't need is going to help you. Let alone why go into the express lane if your going to take 10 minutes sorting through your coupons.

Awkward small talk. I have to be part of this all the time. During work I have embarrassed myself more than once by my complete social awkwardness. I can't do small talk. I always end up really sucking it up. But all I have after how are you, are the lame general questions. So... ahhhh... hows your favorite local sports team?

Obsessive cell phone users. I understand that technology is advancing to the point where you don't have to see people to have a relationship. It pisses me off more when it's in the elevator. I love the "hello, HELLO! Oh sorry I'm in an elevator right now annoying the hell out of everyone in here... no it's fine I don't care about other people..."

When people say it's suppose to be warmer in winter. I live in Minnesota, it's cold. It seems like every time someone tells me it's suppose to be warmer, it's not. Lies! All lies! I swear the next time I hear this I'm going to literally punch them in the face.

woooo...

Tomorrow is my birthday. I remember when birthday's meant more to me. I remember the excitement burning inside for it to come. How it felt like I was waiting forever for the day of cake, gifts and other screaming children. The joy of the special day when it was finally here and the sorrow of it being over. The older you get the less birthdays seem to matter. My family doesn't even call me anymore. People stop asking how old you are since they know that you'll probably lie or cringe at the question. The enthusiasm of childhood slowly dissolves and is replaced by this almost desolate feeling. The expression of 'you are only as old as you feel' has always made me depressed. I've always felt at least ten years older than I actually am. I guess it's just another reminder that life is passing you by. Almost another way to point out how much you haven't accomplished at your age. I guess such is life! I remember craving adult hoods grasp as a child, yearning for it to come. I remember being so full of hope about going out into this great big world around me and being able to do anything I wanted. Not knowing that the world can be cruel or that you don't get everything you want. Ignorance is bliss. Well I guess with another year under my belt comes another year of wisdom as they say!

usual stuff

I guess part of me is wondering why I continue this blog. My ranting doesn't seem to help me at all. Lately I wonder if my cynical self is driving me insane. Whahahahaha (that's a manic laugh). Yet I rant anyways! Less than a month I will be going into the "special" doctor. Unfortunately not the one that just gives out birth control and abortions. Although that would make things simple for me if that was the only problem I had right now. I know pity fest, right? I don't ever ask people to feel sorry for me I just like whining about my problems just like the rest of the world. Luckily for me I'm pretty good at ranting sarcastically which scares away the people that might actually care. I'm worn out and its monday. Even though I got paid friday my check is gone and my account is negative. Seriously is that possiable? It's making me wonder why I continue to think that this whole being an "adult thing" is really my thing. If I had a sugar daddy he could pay the electric bill I owe which I told them I would pay friday which means my electric will most likely be out by the time I get home! Anyone else feel like paying my 230 dollar bill for me? I really doubt it! I might be able to sweet talk them tonight, explaining all of my funds have went to doctor bills but I will gladly try doing payments... when i can... which will most likely be never. I wonder if I can throw away my morals and become a stripper on the weekends? Meaning I'd need breast implants too... this is starting to get too hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ehhh... well if zombies want to take over now that would be great! I can hear it now... I couldn't pay my electric this month on time because I was saving humanity. Do you think you could give me a break? No? Well... you suck!

the letter

My mom and I have a less than perfect relationship. Last night I decided to write a small story to for her. I thought I would share it, in hope for some feed back, since I'm a pussy and I don't know if I want to give it to her yet or not...
I call it, To her...

I look closely in the mirror, squinting at myself. My eyes are a deep green, but they still had a slight glimmer in them. I stand there searching, almost longing to see something that isn’t there. I smooth back my hair, like a mother does with a small child. After a while I get frustrated of looking and just stare into my own eyes. I think back to what my grandmother said sometime ago. “You know you look just like your mother,” she stated. I remember glaring at her in disbelief. My mother just laughed from the other room. “She has so much more of her father in her, than she does of me,” she said stopping any debate on the subject. I guess I couldn’t argue with her on that. Every time I gazed at myself I couldn’t help but to agree with this statement. I honestly couldn’t see any resemblance between us. As much as I tried, I couldn’t. As many days, even months I had done this I still didn’t see it. Part of me was saddened by this, almost broken. She was my mom; I was supposed to at least kind of resemble her. Yet, I felt like I looked nothing like her. I let a tear slip slowly down my cheek. I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration and lay down in my bed. I pick up one of the scrapbooks she made me years earlier, smoothing my hand over the cover. The girl I use to be seems so much more hopeful then I ever remember being. I always remember being so dreadfully shy. I would hide behind adults, to afraid of the world around me. She would always get upset and push me out from behind her, telling me to go and play. She would tell me not to be afraid of all of this. Yet, I would always wend up slinking back. I laugh a little to myself thinking about how different I am now. Thinking about how head strong, stubborn and outgoing I have become. Even though to this day I still crave her attention and approval. I think about the long hard days I’ve had to force myself through. How they have caused bags to form under my eyes. The soft lines on my face from constant state of worry I am always in. Sometimes I wonder if she even thinks about me here. I wonder if she’ll ever know how much I’ve had to go through. I wonder if she’ll ever really know me or if I’ll ever really know her. Sometimes I feel like I know nothing about her. I know the simple things. The general childhood stories and heart breaks she once had. I remember the way she was when it was just her and me. I know her eyes to a tee. I know how they become a rich, dark brown when she is upset or angry. When she’s happy, they have almost a glitter effect from the golden flecks scattered in them. What I don’t know a lot of it the person she is now. I don’t know how she feels, who she is beyond being a mother or how she thinks. I don’t even know her favorite color or food. I know that this is my fault; I pushed her away after I moved. I feel like I pushed her so far away that I don’t even really know her anymore. Sometimes I wonder why I pushed so hard to be independent. The whole time I wanted to hide behind her, knowing that she’d just push me back out like she use to do when I was a child. I wanted so much for her to love me. I didn’t even realize that by pushing her away I was slowly loosing her. She was even loosing me. Everything she once knew about me had changed, as well as everything I had known of her. I’ve heard that you can never really know someone. Part of me just wishes this wasn’t true with her. As I flip through pages of birthdays and endless holidays I linger on one page. My breath ceases for just a second as I glare at a picture of her from years ago when I was young. The picture is simple and candid. She’s just standing there at an angle looking off at someone outside of the picture. She looks seemingly unaware of her surroundings or of any picture being taken. Her hand is in her back pocket. She is wearing a simple t-shirt and shorts, showing her tan skin. Her short hair looked tousled, as if blown from the wind. The brown curls seemed to form perfect ringlets. She has a genuine smile on her face. The thing that seems to entrance me is that she is glowing. I remember her smile so fondly. Her happiness would radiate onto you. She is so beautiful when she is truly happy. She honestly brightens up the room. I have heard the same compliments from people. It clicks with me that this is what I got from her. It’s the thing that makes her part of me. I want so badly to call her and tell her as ridiculous as that sounds. I ponder what it would feel like if she knew my joy right now. If she would feel the same way I do. I wonder from time to time what it would feel like if she never knew how much I truly loved her. If she knew that every time I clawed my way back up from the bottom that I was doing it for her too. That I was trying to prove that not only could I do it, but that she was a good mother as well. That she had raised me right and I was happy she was my mom. I hope that I can be as strong as a woman as she is and even close to as good as a mother one day. I wanted her to know she could be proud of herself for everything she has done. One day she could even be proud of me for all that I have accomplished, even though I make mistakes. Knowing that I had accomplished all of this not out of vain reasoning, but to show and prove to her how much I loved her.