Who is watching who now?

I know everyone is getting pumped about the Watchmen opening on Friday, right? Right?! I was pretty excited for this movie at first. I went out and read the whole book in about two days. Then all of a sudden it become a big deal. All of you know all of that. I'd still like to see it in a way. I've already heard the debates of fan boys with their panties in a knot over casting and story line and blah, blah, blah. Who the hell cares anymore really? Is there ever going to be a movie that completely lives up to the standards in your own head when you read it? No. Get over it. I know I whined like a little girl when Choke came out and I rushed to see it. I almost cried in my sour patch kids over the slaughter of the ending. If I would have had any left I would have, trust me. You know they're not going to be able to live up to it all ready. How can they? All of a sudden Hollywood is going to produce a movie that lives up to a book? Bah! The movie hasn't even been even half as hyped as The Dark Knight until recently of course. I really will be one of the many going to see effects used not really judging off of the book. The inner geek inside of me is pleading for at least a night of drooling over visual effects. What do you think? Are you going to see it?

blob

I've been feeling like a blob lately. As in if you were to actually touch me I would just sit there and jiggle. Non responding to the actual touch of a human being. I don't think that it's the wonderful covering of snow still outside. I've tried ruling out the cold weather since it's been pretty warm, for Minnesota. I've tried ruling out the fact that I feel like a zombie. I'm not craving brains, yet, just the usual materialistic shit that usually makes people happy. Last week it was an outfit, next week I was thinking about maybe going somewhere would help. Like going anywhere will help something mentally disturbing me. I've tried ruling out the pure fact that I've been stuck in a rut for the past four almost five years. As I've drifted from job to job, still unaware of what I really want to do. The two year itch is starting to get to me at my current job. It's more of a thought that passes by me every so often. Okay, it's more of a panic, that I will become trapped if I stay for over that time limit. I suppose it's just everything starting to get to me again. I've been obsessively over thinking, trying to find one thing to really stick my problems to. Unfortunately at this point I can't just find one thing to stick. I hate Minnesota some days. I hate that my schedule has been packed so much that I haven't seen my family since Christmas. I hate that I have had less time alone to clear my thoughts and even just be alone in the past month. I hate that even though I'm stressed about so many things, including bills that I spend money on things I think will help. I hate that I feel the need to pretend to be normal even though I don't even know what that is anymore sometimes. I feel like screaming. I remember that every time around my birthday, which is on Friday, I've always felt excited. Yet this year I could care less. It's not like it matters anymore. It's become a bench mark of how long I've procrastinated making up my mind on what I want to do. I know that soon enough it won't even matter what day it is. It already has started. I no longer look forward to Friday's because I know that two days is not enough. I don't know what to do anymore and it's driving me insane. That's my life, how is yours?

sometimes i feel like screaming...

i hate you world!!!
i motherfucking hate you so much!
no, i'm not drunk. if i had more than a dollar to my name until friday i sure as hell would be later tonight. i feel like the world is just jacking off on me right now...

welcome to reality, there are free tissues in the bathroom to scrub the nastiness off of you.

blah... yet another article

A.C.E.S. (Athletes Committed to Educating Students) is a non-profit organization that offers tutoring and mentoring for urban youth in Minneapolis and St. Paul. Specifically, A.C.E.S. works with children in low-income neighborhoods. The students come to be in a safe environment after school and receive supportive mentoring, as well as participate in the fun and exciting activities. On a typical day, after finishing homework, they might head to the gym to shoot hoops as a way of learning about percentages. The students are encouraged to brainstorm about problems in their community and various ways to improve them. A.C.E.S. offers field trips to provide the students with opportunities that they otherwise might not experience. Strong relationships with professional sports teams present students with a chance to be down with the action. A.C.E.S. provides a much needed service to the community, and they are doing so with the highest standard of quality. They keep over 400 youth off the street and out of harm’s way by keeping them engaged in education. A.C.E.S. teaches young children that they have a choice in how they live their lives. It is reassuring to think that these students can receive positive attention from adult role models, and learn to show an interest in their schoolwork. Through Athletes Committed to Educating Students, children can have higher expectations for themselves and their futures, and learn to interact with each other in a positive environment. If A.C.E.S. is an organization that interests you, please consider volunteering. If you don’t have time to volunteer, please consider donating to A.C.E.S. You can find more about A.C.E.S. at their website: www.aces4kids.org.

Pride...

Using my last two dollars I purchase a can of generic cream of mushroom soup and a loaf of bread on the way home from work. Ten days until I get paid again. Ten fucking days. All of a sudden my struggle to get back to the city so quick after Christmas seems moot. I'm going to have to not smoke anyways. What do I have to show from my last check? Well my rent is in and my bank account will just be negative enough where they will take my rent check. I joked with the guy who rung up my measly food rations as I handed over my change. I told him I had more food at home, he said his food was about as sad as my purchase except he had tomato soup. I knew wasn't lying because he smiled like it hurt as he bagged it up. I guess I shouldn't complain. I've felt like a spoiled child for a while now. Organic food once filled my shelves and I smoked as though it didn't matter. As I listening to my friends bitch about their lack of money I went out and bought beers for them to cry into. I bought outfits for myself to keep up the illusion that everything is okay. I did all I needed to do for myself to make everything feel better. Now things may not be too bad but, I have to admit that things are rough right now. Trust me when I say spoiled myself I say it in a delicate way. I wasn't out spending thousands or anything! Maybe just a little more than I should have at times. When I woke up today I had the thought that I no longer want to be an adult. Times are too tough. I want to go back in time when my poor family was struggling. When there weren't bills for me alone to pay. Perhaps I just want to go back to when I didn't need to debate for 15 minutes over what I was going to buy with two dollars. My next pay check is suppose to be bigger. Some sort of pay increase was added, not a raise, an increase. Which almost worries me more. The company believes that in order to live we need more money, which is great when your struggling. I'm suppose to keep this fact hush hush since I was one of the only people in my area to actually get such increase high. I am one of the only employees that actually works so I guess that makes it even better. They recognize the fact that I work hard and deserve more money. I just kind of think it's funny considering the state that I'm in right now. I would pretty much do anything for the extra money promised to me in ten days. I even thought about selling some art online. Who is really buying art right now though? I would most likely make more money off of selling my soul or myself. I'm not that desperate but I guess we'll see what next week brings. I still feel like there is nothing worse to hurt your pride than having to buy a small bit of food with change knowing that it's all you're going to get for more than a week. With the wind in my eyes as I walked home tonight I that I'm lucky to even have this and that there are more people out there that are worse off than me. Which just made it hurt a little more.

Home again

After a very stressful holiday I must say the best thing about it is coming home again. It wasn't all bad but I forget how much I love being home. Christmas Eve was uneventful. My mother took the liberty to pick my carless ass up at 8. We went to my Grandparents house for a non-Christmas dinner. Which consisted of food and awkward conversation. My mom stayed far away from my aunt while my aunt bitched to me when she could about my mom and vise versa. I was woke up at 7:30 by my siblings and endured a day of them fighting. Mostly because sincce Christmas was over it automatically doesn't matter how they behave. Which was great, since my family doesn't know I smoke and by midday I was crabby and willing to tell them! It might have made thinggs easier but I haven't told them in this long I decided that waiting wouldn't be a huge deal. We went to go see a movie and I calmed down a bit. As the day dwindled down the kids went to bed and I felt like stabbing my brain and passing out. This morning was a lot easier. Besides the fact that I woke up to cat piss all over half of my clothing. My mom thought it woud be an awesome idea to bring her with! Let's just say when I did see her she was hiding from everyone! I think she was a little pissed off! I sat through family pictures at a professional photo studio just for my mothers pure enjoyment. I got my Christmas present which I'm typing to you on right now! I conned my mom into driving me back tonight due to the fact that I wanted to. Even though it was the most stressful trip I've had up there I must sasy there were sometimes when it was actually pretty fun. My siblings did behave for some of the time. I got to spend some quality time with everyone. I got a mother fucking laptop. I must say though coming home and enjoying the 3 minute cig and a beer was a little better than it sshould have been! I might be a horrible person for thnking that way but my god it was and really that's what Christmas is about!

The drones are after me!!

I was slightly seduced this morning by a company who said they could hook me up with some money. All I needed to do was to place ads in my blog about this company or that! Then they take a percentage and the credit card company takes some! But in the end I get money for writing! Wow, how tempting! They know just how to warm my heart in this tough economy! You mean all I have to do is sell out to the big companies and I get money?! God why didn't I think of that? I could have been scamming all you readers into looking at ads!! Golly! Well if all I need to do is sell my soul and practically go against everything I believe in, I'm in! Right?! No.... I've stated many of times on here that this is an AD FREE BLOG! That's right big companies! AD MOTHER FUCKING FREE! I am going against "the man" here and bringing you my quality ranting and rambling for free! I expect nothing out of my readers but their input and time! I mean if you want to send me pretty things and/or cupcakes do feel free! So thank you readers for being here and do expect this and all of my blogs to remain ad free as long as I am alive!

Thank you again readers and thank you big company that tried to seduce me for giving me something to bitch about!

Change. It's been on the tip of every ones tongues for the past well year plus now. I've heard so many people excited for change! The air thick with anticipation for something greater to happen. I went out after election day like many of the other millions of people and trust me the tension was thick. After Obama won it was like a dark cloud had over passed. People were talking to each other, even hugging each other! Here in Minneapolis! I know it's strange! Even I felt this overwhelming air of victory. Yes I screamed at some cars in my drunken state smiling from ear to ear when they screamed back. The next day people looked me in the eye on the street. I felt like for once the city was a peaceful place. Like I could be walking and someone would just hug me randomly, stroking my hair while whispering in my ear that everything is going to be alright. I know it kinda sounds creepy, but you get where I'm going with this! The weeks to follow have been the same. All about change. What's going to happen? Will he be up to the job? The newspapers and websites all seem to be gearing in that direction. Yes, we won! Well, now what? Uhhhh... of course we question. I've settled into a nice routine of not caring about politics yet again. Hopefully soon I can even start talking to my McCain loving friends. Change is what everyone wants. Things are still okay but you know what would make them better?! Change. Ohhh I know, I'm so witty!
Speaking of change, it's fucking cold out! Seriously, I was just getting use to being able to show my collar bone again! Why must I live in the tundra?! Yes I ask myself that every year. The bitching about cold weather has only begun! You just wait until January! I need to move.

Wooo new article!

I have the newest article for the work paper done! Please give me some sort of input on it! I tried to make this one less corny, since it's a volunteer piece.

Time to interact!

Tucked away in Minneapolis’ North Loop neighborhood is the Interact Center for the Visual and Performing Arts. They are a nonprofit organization that offers professional level training to artists with disabilities in theater arts, visual arts and writing. The bright paintings pop from the brick walls as you walk down the hall from the entrance. The sound of laughter leads you into the magical place, which is filled with smiles. The Interact Center is recognized as a national leader in progressively pairing social services with the arts to shift society’s view of disabilities away from deficits and towards limitless possibility. They work with numerous local artists who gladly come into help teach workshops in different art mediums from ceramics to woodcarving. The skill involved in some of the projects is simply amazing! The theater section works together to write and produce two original performances a year! They have been working with the Mixed Blood Theater on their latest performance, Sindibad. The fun, positive attitude seems to spread through out the place as easily as the paint does! They are looking for volunteers to help with everything from studio assistants to special events volunteers. If you don’t have time to volunteer for this amazing organization, please consider donating to them. You can find more information on their website www.interactcenter.com or at 612-339-5145.

Broke, broken, and drugged up

Yesterday I had the day off. As fun as it could have been, I woke up earlier than usual to walk all the way across Minneapolis only to find out the place I was trying to go to was even further and I was 15 minutes late. I was attempting to find an place to write my next article on. Which is a "volunteer" piece. As in I can find a place to volunteer for or I interview a volunteer. Trust me the pleasure of walking at least a mile in the freezing rain only to end up having to turn around and walk back at 9:30 in the morning, well it was amazingly unpleasant. I hate waking up early in the first place. I sure as hell hate walking in freezing rain, especially when it ends up to be a worthless mission. I get home and prepare the meal of all meal. I try to scarf as much of it down before 12:25. Trust me it was amazing, if I would've had more time I would have made more. At one I'm at the dentist, by two I get to leave. Another tooth was extracted. Two teeth now this year have chipped on me beyond repair. I'm starting to think that by the time I do hit thirty I'll be able to give 'gum jobs'.... that thought scares the hell out of me. What is the best part about having a tooth ripped out of your skull? To be honest you're extremely nappy after and usually you get better pain killers than I did. As I wait for my pussy pain killers to be done at the lovely drug store I wonder the aisles. Now I can't talk at all, obviously. I just wonder and observe. The strangest fucking people roam Minneapolis drug stores. A man walked up to me who looked like a fat Weird Al with a comb-over and told me "I saw the oddest thing today... a bagel... with cream cheese. Isn't that just weird?" I just shook my head yes because I can't freaking answer him with a no. Because to me it's weird that he's talking to me in the first place. Let alone telling me how odd he thinks cream cheese on a fricking bagel is. When I finally get called I go up to get my lovely meds along with a bottle of pain killers I'm more than excited to get the hell out of there. The walk home is painful. The drugs they gave me are wearing off and the throbbing pain is starting to begin. I long for a cigarette. Yes I know I was trying to quit, it was a lot easier for me to quit that whole quitting thing. Once I finally get home I need to distract myself before I can take a pill. I read a book and in no time I get to take numerous pills. As I wake up from a drug induced nap I have to wipe nasty blood that has dried on my cheek. I am amazed that my cheek has finally went down from its swullen state. I don't know why I didn't take today off. All day I have been swept by waves of nausea. I've been attempting to keep myself walking in a straight line. After the first three hours of work I stopped this and have just been using the wall as a support system. I can not believe how hungry I am. The more I think about eating the sicker that I get. The taste of blood still seems fresh in my mouth. I pop a vicodin after my lunch of extremely expensive condensed soup and suddenly all is good. Of course that's once they actually kick in. The dizziness has stopped I mostly feel like I'm floating when I walk. The wall has been a good friend today. Yes I'm pretty out of it. Have people noticed? Of course! I can't even talk to anyone without my head bobbing back and forth. I want to go home, take another pain killer and pass the fuck out. Only three more hours of this and I can! Hope you all have a great weekend. I know I will!

It's Motherf*cking Halloween!

The time is upon us. Today is Halloween! As I might have said before this is my favorite holiday out of all the lame holidays in existence! I can not tell you how excited I am! Really, I know it's lame. This is the only holiday that I actually have fun on though. Dress up, eat candy, get ridiculously drunk, and make fun of slutty girls. Greatness! I have yet to actually decide on my costume. I was going to do a group costume with my friends. We planned on being Tetris pieces. The pieces are already made but as it got closer, I changed my mind. It seems too damn simple and I am not one to be plain. Also I usually make fun of group costumes. I've thought about being a raver, but I don't know. I was a fairy last weekend. Yes I know two costumes for one holiday is a little much but really I can't help it! Last year I only went to one party. One, very boring party. I plan on having fun this year. Whether I have to ditch my friends to do so or not. Yes my moral dilemma is that they are women and they seem to hold a grudge for a while. I've considered hanging out with them for a while in Tetris theme and then going to another party as a raver. Is that too much? No because it's motherf*cking Halloween! I do what I want! Also I have been bothering my mother about Christmas. This year we might actually be skipping it. She wants to go on vacation and since most of the people in my family I only see on Christmas I kinda feel bad. On the other hand I'm being a selfish bitch this year and if Christmas is missed that will mean I've successfully missed every main holiday with my huge, hick-filled family!! Also I know that you all remember how much I hate Christmas! I really hope it can be skipped! Wooo lunch time... have a lovely night! Remember that booze is the key to happiness!

awkwardness

It's Saturday and I'm leaching off of a friends internet. I've been sitting by myself for the past 2 hours trying to decide if I should leave. Isn't that always awkward?! The friend in question was just going out for a couple hours while I continued to nurse my hangover by sleeping more. The thing keeping me here is the promise of a free lunch when they get back. Alas that was around 11:30... it's been far more than a couple hours. I'm starting to get hungry.... would it be rude to leave? I'm always unsure how to treat situations like this. It wouldn't be a big deal if I had a working phone but my phone is not working due to my cat spilling water on it yesterday while I was sleeping. That would make things easier for me, to call and go. I just don't know... in my head it's far past lunch. I wonder if I'm obsessing more over this because today I'm (attempting) to quit smoking. I know I thought I'd be one of those people who you'd have to pull the cig from my cold dead hands. I'm actually attempting to quit which so far has made me more of an obsessive crazy person than usual. I've been close to tears on a few occasions making me want to stay here because I'm afraid if I do leave I'll be upset and will buy smokes. Trying to be strong has never been so much fun! It's even more odd because friend in question has roommates. There are roommates home who have yet to actually talk to me that much. Which I guess is fine... it's just making me more awkward. Making me obsess more on my awkwardness... making me want to smoke. This cycle is really fun!! Maybe I'll just go back to sleep. I thought internet would help me feel better but it's just making me more hungry and more angry...