blob

I've been feeling like a blob lately. As in if you were to actually touch me I would just sit there and jiggle. Non responding to the actual touch of a human being. I don't think that it's the wonderful covering of snow still outside. I've tried ruling out the cold weather since it's been pretty warm, for Minnesota. I've tried ruling out the fact that I feel like a zombie. I'm not craving brains, yet, just the usual materialistic shit that usually makes people happy. Last week it was an outfit, next week I was thinking about maybe going somewhere would help. Like going anywhere will help something mentally disturbing me. I've tried ruling out the pure fact that I've been stuck in a rut for the past four almost five years. As I've drifted from job to job, still unaware of what I really want to do. The two year itch is starting to get to me at my current job. It's more of a thought that passes by me every so often. Okay, it's more of a panic, that I will become trapped if I stay for over that time limit. I suppose it's just everything starting to get to me again. I've been obsessively over thinking, trying to find one thing to really stick my problems to. Unfortunately at this point I can't just find one thing to stick. I hate Minnesota some days. I hate that my schedule has been packed so much that I haven't seen my family since Christmas. I hate that I have had less time alone to clear my thoughts and even just be alone in the past month. I hate that even though I'm stressed about so many things, including bills that I spend money on things I think will help. I hate that I feel the need to pretend to be normal even though I don't even know what that is anymore sometimes. I feel like screaming. I remember that every time around my birthday, which is on Friday, I've always felt excited. Yet this year I could care less. It's not like it matters anymore. It's become a bench mark of how long I've procrastinated making up my mind on what I want to do. I know that soon enough it won't even matter what day it is. It already has started. I no longer look forward to Friday's because I know that two days is not enough. I don't know what to do anymore and it's driving me insane. That's my life, how is yours?