picture my joy!

In an attempt to let you, my lovely reader get to know me. I figured I'd do a picture survey. Plus it's slow at work, and this seems more entertaining! Okay, I'm just being a lazy bastard, but enjoy...

What are you really into right now?





If you were to go to outer space for the rest of your life and could only take three people with you, who would they be?







What do you want to be when you grow up?



If you could say one thing to any one person right now and not have any regrets, who would it be and what would you say?



to all the crazies of the world....

What would be your dream life?



full time blogger, some where like this...



What makes you happiest?


Where do you want to go right now?


What do yo do to relieve stress?



What are you doing tommorow?


Seeing these guys...

candy!!!!

I've been popping Easter candy like it's going out of style today. One of the downfalls of working in an office, everyone stocks up on candy after holidays. Of course, they didn't have a gun to my head as I grabbed my sixth (okay, ninth) handful of malt ball eggs. Honestly, I can't help it. You place candy out I'm going to steal it. I think it's like an unspoken rule. Do I feel bad as the secretaries give me dirty looks as I grab an extra, filled with sugar and love candy? Hell no! I think Easter candy is some of the best candy out there! Even if I don't celebrate the holiday! Of course, I will sure as hell stock up my pockets full of the wonderful goodies and not feel even the slightest bit of guilt! For now I will live hopped up on candy!! I feel like such a rebel! Whahahahaha!!!!! I'm sure I will feel different after my sugar buzz recedes, my teeth hurt and my pants become uncomfortably tight!

rant, rant, rabble, rabble...

Waking up to snow this morning was like a punch in the face! I mean seriously it's March. It's not December, when you know it's most likely going to happen. It's spring now, when it this weather going to end?! I was almost going to put up a happy post yesterday about the nicer weather we've been having up here in the wretched state of Minne'snow'ta. It was like walking around to power pop, while unicorns and rainbows flew around you. I know that may seem lame but I'm trying to think of good analogies for wonderfulness! Well just imagine the disgust the next day of finding piles of snow and all your unicorns dead. Their blood splatted in the snow, while you walk to bad metal music. All this week there has been people walking around in t-shirts! I got to see skin! That's right, arms were bare! A few legs as well! But then this comes and we are forced to retreat back into our winter coats. I forced myself to the usual walk to work, even though I was cursing under my breath. I want to move.
It's funny how even the weather can be a slight distraction from the other thoughts that have been haunting me all week. I keep getting the same question popping up in my mind. It's almost like a bad joke. "What are you trying to prove?" It feel cryptic. I suppose a lot of it is the pressure I've been feeding myself. With me wanting to starting school soon and make an actual difference with my life. Yet, dealing with all of my friends in some sort of turmoil right now and seeing them failing with their dreams. I've always been the person they've turned to for help. Although I am the youngest of the group, they know that I am the more honest and willing to hear them out. Usually I am more than willing to lend a shoulder or give some sort of opinion. Unfortunately now it feels like they are all running to me like I'm a poor martyr. It honestly feels like there is a doom cloud surrounding everyone. The calm before the storm. I have yet to feel the wrath from it *knock on wood* but I know that something is happening. It's a feeling. Watching others being pushed down, while I am still climbing strong without any resistance. Yet, I feel this warning and I see the destruction. It's hard to explain. Perhaps I've just been reading too much science fiction lately! I just know last year I felt this and doom came as I had assumed it would. Some of my friends were forced to move, a few love affairs ended and everything seemingly changed in an instant. So I suppose I have every reason to be cautious. With this doom feeling lurking, I guess it makes sense why I am wondering what I am trying to prove. I guess I have a lot to sort through as I spend my weekend alone with my cat. I'm sure she can help me out by staring at me for hours and meowing annoyingly.

hookups and harping

All today I have been full of thought. This weekend I had indulged in the usual festive drinking. The green beer and strong wine hit me hard! As I'm sure it has with many people! I ended up finishing up a bottle of wine and dancing on a table. Not exactly my proudest moment! At the end of the night I hooked up with my friends hot neighbor boy. Let me explain before you start judging me. I met him a year ago after my friend moved in. He looks like the lead singer of a very artsy band that I love and he plays the piano. *Swoon* So what am I getting at? I mean besides bragging a bit! Although a lot of my friends high-fived me for even attempting that, one of my best friends told me I 'collect guys like some women hand bags'. I figured that maybe this was just a jealous remark after dealing with the end of her relationship the day before. I usually don't take things people say that seriously. In this case, since it came from a friend I did. I can still feel the sting of her comment today! So, is there still a double standard towards hookups in place today? I know a lot of the conservative views towards hookups have gracefully disappeared. I can see up to a certain extent this kind of behavior being negative. Also if things where the way they use to be in society. As in if a man goes out and hooks up with a hot girl he's a god! Alas if us single ladies hookup with a hot guy she's a slut. It's not like I'm bringing home a new guy every night. Trust me! Most of the guys I end up getting physical with I've known for a while and it definitely doesn't happen often! Perhaps I am looking for a good excuse to justify my actions besides the fact that we are both single, he was really cute and we are both consensual adults. What do you think?

As far as I have known life is not all rainbows and sunshine. This is nothing new. Day in and day out most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. The "thriving" middle and lower class citizens. Enthusiastic about the little we may have to spend on extra, unnecessary items. This is the way that society has brought us up. Cradling us in her arms in childhood and adolescence before throwing us to the sharks in adulthood. I strive for some sort of meaning to all. When I was younger I never quite understood this process. With a middle/lower class much larger than the high class, why have we not all come together to revolt against the way that society is? I guess part of me has always realized that some of us are content with the way our lives are now. The struggle of life is not a new concept for humans. We busy ourselves with mundane tasks to ignore the obvious surrounding us. It wasn't until this morning when I felt absolute suffering for another human that I started questioning this again. I know what you are thinking, the Buddhist is ranting about suffering! Let me give you a picture of what I saw. I was waiting for a prescription after a doctors appointment to help me sleep. I was nervously awaiting the dreaded co-pay that most medicine requires and staring at an unruly child who was definitely not wanting to go to the doctor. An older gentlemen around 70 I assume walked up to the pharmacy window. In a gentle voice he said he needed his heart medication and handed the pharmacist his slip of paper. The pharmacist glanced at him and promptly asked for an insurance card. The older gentlemen fumbled with his wallet and glanced back up to say he didn't have any. The pharmacist insisted that the medication wasn't expensive and it would only cost the man one hundred dollars for both. Once he said that, the man told him he didn't have any way to pay. He inquired that his son usually got him his medication but he was away on business. The pharmacist looked unamused and said there was no way to bill him and he'd have to come back when he actually had money to cover. I looked at the old man, trying not to stare as he folded up his slip of paper. His eyes filled with tears and his face filled with shame as he made slowly made his way out of the building. It was hard not to feel some sort of compassion for this man. Who knows maybe that medicine was really important to him. I felt like someone should step up and say the policy was wrong. If it's a life threatening situation how could you not supply someone with the medicine they need to feel better?

Like a prayer...

Maybe it's just the weather or something to that effect, but I've been feeling angry and anti-social lately. It's freezing here in Minnesota with what seems like no end. I'm finally getting over the flu that everyone seems to have right now. Which just leaves me slightly disorientated towards everything. I'm starting to wonder why I still reside in this frigged tundra. Everyone is huddled up in their homes trying to stay warm. Anger on the faces of those of us who have to brave it for another day.
In the mist of my coldness induced anger I get in a slight quibble with a coworker. This brings up the topic at hand which is much debatable, freedom of religion. Although we live in a land where freedom rings. What is appropriate for work when it comes to religion? My coworker is a very hardcore Christian. I can point out at least thirteen things in her work space that is religious affiliated, including a pocket bible. This does not bother me that much. I understand that everyone has their rights to make their space comfortable and if that does it for you, great. The problem at hand is pushing of religion. We were discussing my difference in religion from hers and she became very "preachy". In my head pushing your religious view on someone in a workplace is very inappropriate. I don't push my view on anyone whether in work or out because everyone has their own individual right to choose what works best for them. Although when confronted in a matter that seems pushy I will defend my views. If I started bringing Buddha statues and putting up Buddhism stuff everywhere it would seem like I was trying to start an all out war with her. But I can not really say anything just bite my tongue when it comes to her dismissing my views because hers are "right". I understand that a large percent of the population is Christian and that many work places will give other religious affiliations time to pray. So in a grey area, like a work place, what is appropriate when it come to religion? Is there anything you can really do about conflicting views?

dinky lame bars

So I finally hit up the bar in my hometown over the weekend. That was quite amusing. It seemed like any hellhole in the middle of nowhere. The neon lights burnt out and horrible music cranked. While the slutty girls spill beer everywhere and spread the love/usual sexual transmitted diseases. I haven't been anywhere around the town I grew up in about 5 years. I have done this not only by choice but by necessity. It's one of those god awful places that tends to draw people in, so it can suck the life force out of them. They spend their miserable lives at the dinky bar, while their hick significant others cheat on them under their noses. They make ends meet by working at the casino or the plastic factory in town. Imagine my surprise when I walk in to see most of my graduated class there. This is sarcasm. These people were completely worthless. The snotty, stuck up bitches who ignored everyone. The people who went to class more stoned than anyone I've ever seen in my life and I was brought up by hippies. My utter amusement stuck on my face as I smiled at them all. I'm not one to be this way. I never feel superior than other people. But these people almost seemingly deserved it. These were the people who would put down someone for not partying or buying *gasp* a shirt from target. All of them had kids, were married or currently divorced. I slammed a few shots and stumbled over to a table with my beer in hand. I didn't talk to one person besides my friend who brought me there and the bartender. Part of me felt sad for these people. The ones that I never would have guessed would still be there. For their age they looked ragged. It was almost pathetic to see what they looked like now. As I sat there feeling pity for these poor souls trapped in middle of nowhere hell, a girl I knew walked up to our table. She glanced at my friend and glanced at me. Standing there with cell phone to her ear and clutching her extremely fake designer purse, she pompously looked at us and walked away. Although I had every intention of ignoring everyone else in the bar it was difficult when they were so rude to us. So as we walked out to leave I saw her outside. One of her friends said I looked pissed. I looked at him confused and said, "No this is the best night ever!" I high-fived the guy, looked at her and then back to him. "You know it's not everyday I get an ego boast by seeing everyone I hate is still stuck here and they're still really lame," I added walking off with my friend. I have seriously never felt so alive! It may have been a low blow but I really meant it... I'm a horriable person!

Annoy me and I'll cut you

I've been having one of those weeks when it seems like I am surrounded by things that annoy me. No matter what I do they seem to follow me, as I bite my tongue and try not to say anything. I've noticed that some of the things seem slightly silly. So here's a short list of the things that I've noticed that annoy me. See if you think some of them are reasonable.

Too much denim. I can't stand it when people wear the all over denim. I don't know why. I actually saw someone wearing jeans, denim jacket, denim shoes and a denim hat. I honestly threw up. True story! The only person on earth that can pull this off is old school Jon Bon Jovi, back in the day definitely not now.

People who chew loudly- There is this lady I always see on my lunch hour who I'm assuming loves food. She chews it so everyone in the eating area can hear her. Not just loudly but almost acting like it's pleasurable. She moans and does a lot of lip smacking. It's almost like watching someone have a food orgasm. I can see how this might be attractive if she was a young woman but she's not. She's older than my grandma. It makes me want to be anorexic, just so I don't have to hear her eat!

The coupon lady. Every time I go to a store I seem to get stuck behind coupon lady. They have 10 items or less but every item has a coupon. I don't see how saving 10 cents on shit you really don't need is going to help you. Let alone why go into the express lane if your going to take 10 minutes sorting through your coupons.

Awkward small talk. I have to be part of this all the time. During work I have embarrassed myself more than once by my complete social awkwardness. I can't do small talk. I always end up really sucking it up. But all I have after how are you, are the lame general questions. So... ahhhh... hows your favorite local sports team?

Obsessive cell phone users. I understand that technology is advancing to the point where you don't have to see people to have a relationship. It pisses me off more when it's in the elevator. I love the "hello, HELLO! Oh sorry I'm in an elevator right now annoying the hell out of everyone in here... no it's fine I don't care about other people..."

When people say it's suppose to be warmer in winter. I live in Minnesota, it's cold. It seems like every time someone tells me it's suppose to be warmer, it's not. Lies! All lies! I swear the next time I hear this I'm going to literally punch them in the face.

woooo...

Tomorrow is my birthday. I remember when birthday's meant more to me. I remember the excitement burning inside for it to come. How it felt like I was waiting forever for the day of cake, gifts and other screaming children. The joy of the special day when it was finally here and the sorrow of it being over. The older you get the less birthdays seem to matter. My family doesn't even call me anymore. People stop asking how old you are since they know that you'll probably lie or cringe at the question. The enthusiasm of childhood slowly dissolves and is replaced by this almost desolate feeling. The expression of 'you are only as old as you feel' has always made me depressed. I've always felt at least ten years older than I actually am. I guess it's just another reminder that life is passing you by. Almost another way to point out how much you haven't accomplished at your age. I guess such is life! I remember craving adult hoods grasp as a child, yearning for it to come. I remember being so full of hope about going out into this great big world around me and being able to do anything I wanted. Not knowing that the world can be cruel or that you don't get everything you want. Ignorance is bliss. Well I guess with another year under my belt comes another year of wisdom as they say!

usual stuff

I guess part of me is wondering why I continue this blog. My ranting doesn't seem to help me at all. Lately I wonder if my cynical self is driving me insane. Whahahahaha (that's a manic laugh). Yet I rant anyways! Less than a month I will be going into the "special" doctor. Unfortunately not the one that just gives out birth control and abortions. Although that would make things simple for me if that was the only problem I had right now. I know pity fest, right? I don't ever ask people to feel sorry for me I just like whining about my problems just like the rest of the world. Luckily for me I'm pretty good at ranting sarcastically which scares away the people that might actually care. I'm worn out and its monday. Even though I got paid friday my check is gone and my account is negative. Seriously is that possiable? It's making me wonder why I continue to think that this whole being an "adult thing" is really my thing. If I had a sugar daddy he could pay the electric bill I owe which I told them I would pay friday which means my electric will most likely be out by the time I get home! Anyone else feel like paying my 230 dollar bill for me? I really doubt it! I might be able to sweet talk them tonight, explaining all of my funds have went to doctor bills but I will gladly try doing payments... when i can... which will most likely be never. I wonder if I can throw away my morals and become a stripper on the weekends? Meaning I'd need breast implants too... this is starting to get too hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ehhh... well if zombies want to take over now that would be great! I can hear it now... I couldn't pay my electric this month on time because I was saving humanity. Do you think you could give me a break? No? Well... you suck!

the letter

My mom and I have a less than perfect relationship. Last night I decided to write a small story to for her. I thought I would share it, in hope for some feed back, since I'm a pussy and I don't know if I want to give it to her yet or not...
I call it, To her...

I look closely in the mirror, squinting at myself. My eyes are a deep green, but they still had a slight glimmer in them. I stand there searching, almost longing to see something that isn’t there. I smooth back my hair, like a mother does with a small child. After a while I get frustrated of looking and just stare into my own eyes. I think back to what my grandmother said sometime ago. “You know you look just like your mother,” she stated. I remember glaring at her in disbelief. My mother just laughed from the other room. “She has so much more of her father in her, than she does of me,” she said stopping any debate on the subject. I guess I couldn’t argue with her on that. Every time I gazed at myself I couldn’t help but to agree with this statement. I honestly couldn’t see any resemblance between us. As much as I tried, I couldn’t. As many days, even months I had done this I still didn’t see it. Part of me was saddened by this, almost broken. She was my mom; I was supposed to at least kind of resemble her. Yet, I felt like I looked nothing like her. I let a tear slip slowly down my cheek. I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration and lay down in my bed. I pick up one of the scrapbooks she made me years earlier, smoothing my hand over the cover. The girl I use to be seems so much more hopeful then I ever remember being. I always remember being so dreadfully shy. I would hide behind adults, to afraid of the world around me. She would always get upset and push me out from behind her, telling me to go and play. She would tell me not to be afraid of all of this. Yet, I would always wend up slinking back. I laugh a little to myself thinking about how different I am now. Thinking about how head strong, stubborn and outgoing I have become. Even though to this day I still crave her attention and approval. I think about the long hard days I’ve had to force myself through. How they have caused bags to form under my eyes. The soft lines on my face from constant state of worry I am always in. Sometimes I wonder if she even thinks about me here. I wonder if she’ll ever know how much I’ve had to go through. I wonder if she’ll ever really know me or if I’ll ever really know her. Sometimes I feel like I know nothing about her. I know the simple things. The general childhood stories and heart breaks she once had. I remember the way she was when it was just her and me. I know her eyes to a tee. I know how they become a rich, dark brown when she is upset or angry. When she’s happy, they have almost a glitter effect from the golden flecks scattered in them. What I don’t know a lot of it the person she is now. I don’t know how she feels, who she is beyond being a mother or how she thinks. I don’t even know her favorite color or food. I know that this is my fault; I pushed her away after I moved. I feel like I pushed her so far away that I don’t even really know her anymore. Sometimes I wonder why I pushed so hard to be independent. The whole time I wanted to hide behind her, knowing that she’d just push me back out like she use to do when I was a child. I wanted so much for her to love me. I didn’t even realize that by pushing her away I was slowly loosing her. She was even loosing me. Everything she once knew about me had changed, as well as everything I had known of her. I’ve heard that you can never really know someone. Part of me just wishes this wasn’t true with her. As I flip through pages of birthdays and endless holidays I linger on one page. My breath ceases for just a second as I glare at a picture of her from years ago when I was young. The picture is simple and candid. She’s just standing there at an angle looking off at someone outside of the picture. She looks seemingly unaware of her surroundings or of any picture being taken. Her hand is in her back pocket. She is wearing a simple t-shirt and shorts, showing her tan skin. Her short hair looked tousled, as if blown from the wind. The brown curls seemed to form perfect ringlets. She has a genuine smile on her face. The thing that seems to entrance me is that she is glowing. I remember her smile so fondly. Her happiness would radiate onto you. She is so beautiful when she is truly happy. She honestly brightens up the room. I have heard the same compliments from people. It clicks with me that this is what I got from her. It’s the thing that makes her part of me. I want so badly to call her and tell her as ridiculous as that sounds. I ponder what it would feel like if she knew my joy right now. If she would feel the same way I do. I wonder from time to time what it would feel like if she never knew how much I truly loved her. If she knew that every time I clawed my way back up from the bottom that I was doing it for her too. That I was trying to prove that not only could I do it, but that she was a good mother as well. That she had raised me right and I was happy she was my mom. I hope that I can be as strong as a woman as she is and even close to as good as a mother one day. I wanted her to know she could be proud of herself for everything she has done. One day she could even be proud of me for all that I have accomplished, even though I make mistakes. Knowing that I had accomplished all of this not out of vain reasoning, but to show and prove to her how much I loved her.

Ramblings...

God, I have no clue where to go with that story so I will pause it for now, since the more I read it the more it sounds like every other story I've ever read. I hate that, honestly. That's why I would never be able to write a god damn book! My thoughts always start off so strong and then they completely blur the longer it goes on. My head aches today and my eyes are blood shot. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Thoughts are still trying to form in my head and lunch time is almost here. The sad break in my day where I don't have to do anything at all.
Yes, I'm bitching, I know this.
Seems to be a trend lately. I've been angry, and more cyncial than usual. I feel like there is a fire burning inside of me that's ready to explode.
Wouldn't that be fun! If only I had the power to form fire balls to throw at people!
I'll stop now... I know my ranting isn't helping anyone...