pathetic smoker

I am appauling to them. I am a smoker. I see the looks on their faces as I slink back into the smoking box they set up for us. It's dirty, located right next to the garbage they set out back. Honestly you'd think that they'd set something better up then that. Dust covers the cold cement ground. The walls around you are just a facade, you are actually trapped in between two buildings. For some reason they are both a lovely puke yellow. There are black smudges covering them, which look like tiny fingerprints clawing to escape. It was until recently that I noticed they are nothing more than the marks left behind of people putting their cigarettes out on the buildings. I guess part of me hoped that they actually were fingerprints. No matter what it's always cold. Most people that work here don't go back here. I've heard a few people say it's just "too dirty." Sometimes I keep that in mind because when you see people you know, you feel obligated to make small talk. I'm not a fan of small talk, so it's nice to be alone. On the lucky days like today, you go out and the nearby hotel is throwing away their bottles. I honestly smoke to relax during the day. Nothing is more relaxing then the breaking of bottles one by one. Each one echoing making you grind your teeth with every smash. If there is one thing that is more annoying to me then anything else in the world, it's breaking glass. It throws my head into constant agony for the rest of the day. So after cringing through your cigarette, you have to walk back in. They place it fifty feet away from the actual building I work in, which isn't that much but on the short trip in you see exactly 6 no smoking signs, and yes I count them every time. It's peculiar, the transition you take from nasty, grungy smoking area to the lobby. It's ridiculously expensive looking. Covered in mahogany and marble. Gold details and fake plants. Everyone sees you walk from "the back" and they stare at you as if you're bleeding from all orifices. I try to give them the same look back. Most of the people I see make at least three times as much as me and probably work so much they miss out on the things I get to enjoy. Which makes me feel more sorry for them then they may ever know. Part of me wonders why I continue to go through this day after day. I know the dangers of smoking. I hate feeling people pity me, honestly it only makes me feel more pathetic. I know I'm addicted, I am not in denial. I guess this is my out though. Everyone has their out, this is mine. I guess in my mind at least it's not crack. Just think of the looks I would get then!