there's going to be blood?!

Alas, I am finally excited for something! I know you are so use to my angry ranting that I probably just disappointed you. It's fine, I understand. Since you're already here though listen up! This Saturday is the day I've been waiting for. This year has been long and I am having a hard time waiting for it..... Yep, it's the Zombie Pub Crawl!!! I know, just when you gave up on the dreams of me being a geek. I just blew your mind with my geeky hotness!

On Saturday I will be breaking out my office apparel and covering myself in fake blood. Yep I'm going as a corporate zombie. Mostly for my own amusement. So in my drunken state I can annoyingly point out that I work in an office there for I am always going to be a corporate zombie.... maybe I'll get pity giggles out of it. I'm actually making the "blood" tomorrow! I never get to say that!

Watch out because I might just try to get your scrumptious BRAINS!!!!!!!

whahahahahaha.... I seriously have nothing better to do with my time! :)

Yep it's true... I probably do just need to get laid!

I've been aggravated all day. I could blame it on the 4 hours of sleep I somehow got last night because I decided it would be a good idea to watch the third lord of the rings last night, the pure fact that everyone is pissing me off or the crazy women in my life. I'm choosing all of the above.
Yes, I finally finished the lord of the rings. I know I'm quite behind on my plan of reaching the complete geek dream girl.
I've already complained quite a bit about women and how they are insane. I'm one of them and I can admit it, I wish the rest of them would. I'm starting to really miss having those male friends I use to have. Why doesn't anyone want to drink a fricking beer or four without talking about their god damn feelings?!
I'm convinced that all other people are really just trying to get on my evil eye glares for at least a week list. Like yesterday it rained, no poured when I was walking into work. Now I don't know about you but I can't walk quite as fast when I'm being pummeled with rain. So I come into work 10 minutes late. My boss happens to be in my area and refuses to stop embarrassing me in front of my fellow coworkers until I say that I am ashamed of myself. The audacity! This is the same boss who I'm certain is having an affair with this really dumb girl in the office. Just so you know he's married and I'm the one that should be ashamed. It rained, I was wet, I walk slower when wet and I wanted to make sure that I didn't look like complete shit before I came in here. Today everyone has just assumed that I can read minds and that I can also do everyone else job for them. Leaving me to be very passive aggressive which I don't like doing but I can't straight up say do your god damn work. No, I have to be nice and say yes I can do this even though you are just sitting on your ass not doing anything while I have 10 things I need to get done with in the next hour. No, one more wouldn't hurt but a thank you would be nice.
On the plus side I finally got my tax returns only 8 months after the first time I had to send them in. Yes I sent them in more than once. I think I ranted about that. Now I know that the government isn't out to get me by not giving me the money that I deserve for working this god damn job.
I've gotten another horrible habit of looking at Craigslist for hours at a time. I can't wait until I find a missed connection about me! I'm hoping it will be sort of like this....

You: Angry looking, tall woman wearing headphones; who I accidentally bumped into walking home on Lyndale Avenue.
Me: The guy you then kicked in the shin and threatened to push into traffic.
You seemed very aggressive, I like that, lets get drinks....

Oh the world if really fuelling my alcoholic tendencies lately. It's pretty horrible when someone you don't really know that well tells you that you probably just need to get laid!

ramble on....

Wow, I'm updating up a storm here! After a great quite night yesterday I went on a shopping purge today. I don't know why I do it. I spent my lunch hour at the dreaded Target and ended up hobbling to the check out lanes. A full basket and a comforter slung over my back made it really hard to walk! I seem to have came to the conclusion quite some time ago that shopping makes me happy. I know it's such a damn typical girl thing to say. Yet I actually hate shopping. I loathe crowds and don't even get me started on looking for god damn shoes! I tend to get really happy about shopping for shit that I actually need. Yes I get a buzz off of it. Today I was more pumped over cleaning products being on sale then the free lunch I got from work. I must be getting old! My sad existence was brought to a happy medium by cleaning products... I think that's the first time I've actually admitted it.
After I got back from my shopping extravaganza, a girl from work asked me to take a day off. I was kind of offended at first! I mean wouldn't you be! I kind of took offense in the first place because I dislike her. Then she told me she really needed the overtime and gave me the sad story of broke up with boyfriend, blah blah blah. This is the first time I've actually been asked by her to take time off. Actually I think it's the first time ever I've had a coworker ask me to take a day off. So I took friday off, even though things are tight for me too. At least I have paid time off!
I am going to see Choke on Thursday night. Which is something I've been looking forward to. I am really a big fan of Chuck's work. Choke was probably my favorite book out of all that I've read. Yes I do have my gripes about him as most people do. He's so great at sucking you into the story, yet I always feel his endings are far too rushed to tie ends together. This isn't always a bad thing but to me it is. Usually after reading his books I'm just left with that 'what the hell' kind of feeling.
I'm actually excited that I don't have work on friday, so I'm hoping the rest of my week goes quick! I hope you all have a quick week as well! Yes I'm pulling a Chuck and ending it at that!

spilling...

The past few weeks I have had maybe two days to myself when I don't need to be social. My friends have been under the impression that I am depressed so they've been trying to keep me busy. I suppose it makes sense that they feel like they need to be here for me now. Since after I got mugged I wanted to be around people more, but most of them were busy with their own shit. It's felt like they're trying to make up for it but I don't need them to. I'm actually more depressed that I can't have more than one night per week to not have to actually be around anyone but my cat! I like being able to sit around in my pajamas and having the option of just playing Zelda or drinking by myself or both! That's my happy place, by myself and not in pants. Alas, they're girls and they jump to conclusions. Like a few months ago they were concerned that I had an eating disorder because I am thin! These are the same girls who have been my friends for years and I honestly haven't really lost or gain too much since I've met them! Just because I am a bitter, single woman doesn't mean I need help. I do love to be around my lovely coupled friends. I don't like how they can tell me over and over again that one day I'll find love like them. Like that will really change my life that much! Stupid, stupid girls! I'm fully content with my boring life! Now I keep wondering though if I am depressed since I fully allow them to drag me along. Forcing myself to not say no to them. I don't know I have just felt like I really don't care anymore. Not depressed just not caring. I don't know what to think anymore since my mind has went numb after thinking about death far too much since the whole mugging thing. I've brushed it off but I really don't care so I guess they have ever right to think that I am depressed in some ways. I just wish they would actually talk to me about it then assuming that I am. I don't know if that makes any sense or if I'm just being crazy.

I ended up leaving this weekend to get away from their craziness and I suppose my own. I haven't seen my family in months and as usual I doubt it helped. I was extremely intoxicated on saturday with my dad. We saw my dead beat brother, who has two kids and works a part time paper route for a job! He has no intentions of doing anything but sucking off of the states tit. I'm happy that I am the only person in my family who is actually "doing something" even though I'm really not! My mother was quite lovely on sunday. She brought up the mugging, my lack of ambition, my thinness and my singleness all in 7 hours! Oh but she likes my hair! That was the most positive thing she said! So I have the self esteem of a thirteen year old now! Right once I got home the girls dragged me out of the house, so I had ten minutes to myself after the hectic 2 hour drive. They asked me to hang out tonight but I really don't think I can! I need some god damn time~ although they are trying to seduce me with fondue. I've never actually had fondue and I have no will power to actually say no.
I might end up leaving the city again in the next couple weeks to the great state of Wisconsin. A friend of mine moved there 2 years ago. He was in town last thursday and he didn't have time to call me. So I need to go to Madison and kick his ass.... I need a drink already!

I think I enjoy ranting too much.

So I must remain weird with crazy people in my life otherwise I'll have nothing to say on here!

brains are dying

Yea I can write corny articles for the work paper!!!

I think I just died a little inside....
I have nothing else to say....
I'm jumping off a building now

Fergus Falls

Autumn is the time to relax and enjoy beautiful scenery; what a better way to marvel at the changing leaves than a road trip? During a surprisingly quick 3 hour drive northwest of the metro, you’ll have plenty of time to soak all the colors in. When you arrive in Fergus Falls, you feel the comforting vibe of a small town. It’s a great place to go out and enjoy nature. With a thousand lakes and many wilderness trails to choose from, you’ll be glad for the brisk fall air! If you’ve never had the opportunity to feed ducks and geese by hand, check out Lake Alice. It’s the perfect place to stroll around and meet some friendly locals. Don’t forget to bring some bread! For the book enthusiasts there is Biffley’s, where you can roam the shelves that cover floor to ceiling in the basement! They also have a wide variety of kid’s books and those old cassette tapes you thought you’d never see again! There are a few interesting restaurants around town as well. The Viking, which is a hot spot for locals and travelers, has the best breakfast around. The townspeople are more than helpful to let you know where to go for the most crave-worthy food you’ve ever had. Fergus Falls is also home to the world’s largest otter which is located in Grotto Park. Otto, a forty foot long statue, is quite a sight to see! It’s located right next to a great picnic area and playground, which is one of the most relaxing places to finish up those summer reads. Fergus Falls’ slogan is “Find Us, Lose Yourself,” and they do a great job of helping you do just that!

rough

Another day, another migraine. Seems to be the way things are going recently. I am starting to get really tired of being friends with girls. I swear, if I could go one week without being pulled into their mini-dramas I'd actually consider stopping drinking. Since that seems impossible I'm keeping with my alcoholic ways. I was suppose to have received a payment from one of the girls for a refund we got on our hotel room. She has yet to talk to me, go figure!
Yet I know she went on a huge shopping purge over the weekend. I will not call her out on it until my promised money is not put in my hand. The past few months she has been increasingly miserable in her relationship yet she flops back to happy on a whim. It's driving me insane. Don't cave one week and say no I don't see us having a future I just want to stay with him to use him to this week yelling at a concerned friend for giving you any advice on your 'loving relationship'. Women are god damn confusing the hell out of me. This is why I can't be a lesbian, besides the whole not attracted to girls thing.
The almost married friend was the one giving her advice so I don't know if it came out high and mighty since she is getting married. This is where my head explodes and I no longer care. I'm sure if I put it nicely as I can not afford any booze right now and you bitches are driving me crazy I might actually get some money out of her. My sober life needs to be pickled I've listened to way too many girls squabbling this week, damn it! Speaking of women who are annoying me, my supervisor is driving me insane! She has spent a majority of this week on the phone and not communicating with us properly. I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what the hell is going on when she leaves for hours at a time just in my head to piss me off.....

Ohh god I'm becoming more like them. I'm bitching and moaning.

If you want to help me please donate to the "Get me drunk" fund.
All proceeds will go to the liquor store and help me stay out of a mental hospital!

Minnesota Pride

So I feel like I need to put my two cents in like everyone else about the Republican National Convention in town for the next couple days here. The protests that occurred yesterday ending in a mass arrest of people. Hundreds were pepper sprayed, detained, and labeled "anarchist". I know many people who had been there to protest and believe me these people were far from being anarchists. Many young families had brought their children, for god sakes! I was actually on my way to protest when I heard word of the violence that was erupting, so we decided to wait until tonight to go. The streets are swarming with Republicans and police even here in Minneapolis. I understand that a lot of people are upset, but I was under the impression as many people here were, that this was going to be a peaceful protest. MY problem with the Republicans being here is the problems that they create just by being here. St.Paul area should not have to be in a police state. People trying to voice their opinions should not be afraid to do so.
I had the bachelorette party this weekend which we had been planning for the last year. Our hotel decided to GIVE OUR suite away to one of the Republicans and try to replace our suite with twin size bed room. That's right they took our god damn room!!! That deserves anarchy!!! The masses of Republicans staying at our hotel decided to hassle us all night. Many of the YOUNGER males of course were extremely rude to us. When asked if we were voting for McCain we all answered "hell no"! They told us to stay out of the hotel because we were "America haters." I rebuttal with a swift "I don't hate America you see, I hate all of the stupid people who live here though." Remember how I said I get cocky when under pressure? Well being drunk gives that same cocky attitude.... So what does that say? Both sides have their bad seeds. I truly believe that there are good people on each sides and although I lean far more towards the Democratic side. I'm not a huge hippy and I'm sure they are not all gun-wielding idiots. I don't think that destroying property was really a good thing. I think a lot of people do have their stereotypes about the parties. I just believe a lot of people are angry after the past 8 years and want change, whether it be one way or the other. Many of the protesters were just trying to state that opinion. I will definately try to do the same.

the circle goes round

Last month, a year after working here, my work paper did a 'get to know the employee' article on me. I've been overwhelmed by the amount of attention I have received. Random people have been asking me about my art work and writing. Usually I felt pressured by the lewd comments like 'so yer an artist, eh?' or 'really you walk everywhere?' I've half joked that I liked it better when no one really knew me that well and I could just be the quiet girl who worked here! I did though!! Well amazingly, I have been offered a small writing gig for our work paper. It's pretty unimpressive but I'm excited to do my first piece! I've been doing sketched for the paper for the past 6 months roughly, so I guess it was only a matter of time.... I just didn't really expect it or think about it for that matter. I know it's lame to get excited about something like this but hey I'll take what I can get!
The past couple of weeks have been really hard on me. I'm happy that almost everything is back in place now. I have a check card again!!! I will have an ID soon, hopefully! I have friends to buy me booze!
Oh and I have started a novel kinda... well I started it a month ago. Then, I threw that away and restarted it. So I will share it with you now since I really have too much on my mind to make an actual blog that isn't random thoughts. Give me some sort of opinion please before I burn it with hatred! I love it right now but you know how judgemental people can be with their own writing! Thanks...

Chapter One

“Please let us on,” the woman pleaded, “I’ve offered you everything I have, beyond my children!” The flustered bus driver kept his stance in front of the bus. “We can not help you,” he said, “I will tell you once again, madam. I am not picking up; we are only stopping for a rest.” The desperate mother gently rubbed the child latched to her chests head. Her eyes had filled with tears after spending the last fifteen minutes begging for a way out. Not to be degraded she turned around in a fiery and walked away from the bus. Her children followed her with their heads low, as though they already knew to ignore the few pitiful glares over. This was a scene that had become familiar to Olive as she made her trip on the crowded bus. Every town they have encountered had the left over people that were too poor to flee lined up on the street. In their desperate time of fear they grasp out for help, the passer bys, only to be denied again. As the bus rolled on they threw stones at it and cursed all who rode. The other riders aboard became quiet after each occurrence. She heard their muffled cries and prayers, wondering if they all had the same fears that she did. After a hope they’d be safer here, the same scenes are still happening the closer they get.
Many of the people on the bus were not so different than the mother. They could not help but to pity her and wish that they could do more. For when it came down to it the people were all the same, at least those that hadn’t succumbed to violence. Most of them were grasping onto their own children, afraid of letting them out of their loving hold. They all had the same fears build up as she did. That the safety they knew as home was no longer safe. This was a feeling that can discomfort even the strongest of men.
You see, there was a terrible war starting to burn up the country. It had been fuelled for so long now that tension was thick in the air. At first, the food supply ran low and the prices rose more every day. The simple things became unaffordable to people. They were loosing their homes and their dignity. A panic arose, while friends and neighbors turned against each other. It started off with small things, but when the violence became worse so did the fear. Other countries began to invade, knowing that they were all weak now. The people were too busy trying to keep their own lives together then to worry about a possible attack. When they became more frequent and more people were dead, the faces of the city could no longer maintain their tough appearance. In a last ditch effort for safety, the people who could flee did so, searching for hope. Olive boarded one of the last buses out of New York. She had a small bag with her belongings, the clothes on her back and a blanket her mother made her wrapped tightly around her. This comforted her because it felt like it was embracing her and keeping her safe. She had just turned twelve a month earlier, which seemed a lot better than the way things are now. She had a good comprehension of all that was happening. She wasn’t a naive child anymore and her parents knew that. They made no promises that they would meet her, just that they would try after they straightened up what they could. She knew better and mourned them even though she was unsure if they had already died yet.
She grazed her hand against the cold window and wished that what they said was true. It had been rumored that the war had been taking on the coasts. The smaller populated areas in the Midwest seemed unharmed by it. It was though they were casted back out for bigger fish. The cities had crumbled, filled with greed, as the meager farms prospered. Well, at least that’s how the stories go. Olive wasn’t true how much of this was true. She also questioned if it would be any better since now the masses had begun to dispersed there. Would they once again become targets? These thoughts and fears seemed to be apparent in everyone else as well. She knew better than to worry about the unknown.
Her thoughts drifted off from the current uncertainties to the place she was going. She remembers her grandparent’s farm fondly. She had spent numerous summers there in central Minnesota. So many that she could remember the tiny details that never seemed to change. The way the air smelt so clean, usually of newly cut grass or hay. She knew the feel of the dirt driveway against her feet as she’d walk it freely. The way the old lilac bushes would spring up in those lovely colors around the old blue farm house. She smiled at the thought of the multitude of different farm cats that would scurry between her feet whenever she graced the outside. Most of all she remembered the lovely faces of her grandparents and their tender embraces. This was her safe place, the only place she knew she could live without fear. She drifted off to sleep with the thoughts fresh in her head and the smile still glued on her face.


****So that's what I got so far. I fell like when I write I tend to ramble to much. An honest opinion would be helpful, since I wanted to start stronger than I usually do... have a good night! Ohhh and happy blogging!

reasons for my (recent) anxiety

I've been taking a break from blogging, although I'd rather be taking a break from life. In times like these where it's easy to be pulled into the darkness of the falling economy and wars I've tried to keep myself upbeat. Long behold my upbeat attitude was demolished and I have been a huge ball of anxiety this week. On Saturday I had spent the day with my friend. We went to grab some tasty Perkins and even better drinks. While chitchatting the time away, we sucked down three rum and cokes. I made my exit gracefully after she had been seducing the bartender and slightly stumbled home. I have always been very keen to my surroundings so walking never scares me. In an odd train of thought I decide to have a smoke outside before I attempt the three flights of stairs to my heavenly bed.I usually don't smoke outside at night but it was before midnight and I was tipsy. As I sit waiting for my friend to call me back to let me know she got home safe a pair of men walk up to me and ask for a cig. Not a big deal, I tell them a lie that I am out. They keep walking after one of them fumbled and says he needs a lighter since his friend gave him a cig anyway. I graze my hand at the bottom of my purse for the needed flame when his friend pulls out a gun and places it to my temple. Now I have never had a gun to my head before and for those of you who haven't let me tell you it's by far the scariest thing ever. The gunman yells at me to give him my purse. Not wanting to risk my life when they'd end up taking my purse whether I was dead or alive, I took it out of my lap and handed it to them. As they nonchalantly walked away I yelled back at them asking if I could have my phone back. Who does that? Honestly I don't know what got into me! They yelled 'bitch no' and continued walking approaching a man outside of the building next to me. As they headed closer to him I grabbed my keys that were luckily in my lap and headed inside. In a frantic I started walking down the first floor and as I got to the mail boxes a group of people were leaving their apartment to go smoke. I asked to use their phone and explained the situation. The cops arrived with in a minute, which was surprising. And in about 5 they pulled up out front with one the men. Just my luck, he lacked my purse and the gun. So I had to talk to the police to put in my report. After what seemed like forever I finished up my statement just as the man from the other building walked up saying that he was assaulted by the two men! I thanked him for coming forward and exited the cop car feeling lucky to have been well that damn lucky! Immediately I ran to my friends apartment which happens to be next door to mine and she called in the troops. The two other girls I hang out with regularly showed up and we talked after I got off the phone with my bank. The things I learned out of this is I am a weak, skinny white girl and people were bound to fuck with me sooner or later. That I have the BEST friends ever and I have never been so happy to have such wonderful people in my life. Also, that I get extremely sarcastic under pressure. So I survived my first mugging. Do I get a gold star for that? I'm still trying to get over it and straighten everything up, but I'm okay. Well, better as the days roll on. I'm just so shocked that someone would be willing to risk my life and future for as little as they got. I guess the times really are changing....

sliding along

I took a vacation from work for a week. Nine whole days counting weekends. Today is the first day back. When I left I was feeling like I was in a rut. The days felt agonizingly long. I started slacking and not really caring about anything. It's not too odd but being away made me actually miss this place. Even as I spent my time wisely being able to live without routine or schedule, I missed it. I missed the people, even the most mundane tasked that seemed to annoy me before I left. I never thought that office work was my thing. I'm not saying that it really is, I guess it works for now. The thing that I needed was a kick start to replenish me. I started a story, something longer than the short stories that I usually produce. I'm working on it with a friend of mine. She will be doing the illustrations for me, since she needs "shit to do" and I needed a "reason to write again". I was apprehensive at first but the more I thought about it the more it seemed necessary. I need to get in the habit of free writing again. I'm not going to say this hit me right away. After spending a large quantity of my week chain smoking and drinking cheap booze I thought about what would help me release the tension I've let build up inside of me. I had gotten so angry with life. The things that I had wanted to do didn't seem to happen the way I would have liked. I wanted to leave the state, just to go somewhere. The only places I went outside of Minneapolis was up north to the family and Apple Valley to see Dark Knight at the Imax. I guess I thought leaving would help me. I don't know why I always think that I can run away from my problems and they'll fix themselves while I'm gone. All I got out of the small time I left was an irritated cat and a more stress caused by such family time. So I spent the last four days of my vacation plotting. I found a main character in my imagination and she grew. Suddenly I'm asking questions about this person who doesn't exist. I start feeling a building anticipation to figure her out. Who is she? How does she feel? I wrote more in that four days than I have on a story in a long time. As I attempted to read another book today while sitting on lunch I realized that I can't... it's weird. I've read article of artists who do this. They paint a similar scene or person over and over. Most don't imply it but it's almost like they are haunted by this image. Hoping to capture this thing that they created in their own mind. I think that's what happened and is happening with me. I've never felt such a strong connection to any of the short stories I've written. I'm hoping that I can share some of it once I am finished. Is it weird that I didn't think of writing until it was offered to me? I've always considered it as being so therapeutic to me. I have a journal and I have these blogs. Never before that moment did I think I should actually start a novel. I'm too pessimistic usually to think that I can even accomplish something like that. I kept thinking about the stress I had caused myself and how unnecessary it was. My mom told me she cried for 3 days after I mailed her the letter I had written earlier this year (I don't know if you all remember it). For some reason or another she asked me why I didn't write more often. She doesn't know me that incredibly well so I told her about the blogs I keep on here. Oddly enough she asked me more. Seeming interested and bringing this to our biggest bonding moment in years, I told her a bit about all of them. To my surprise she encouraged me to write and I blew it off. It feels like now, that I'm rambling, the signs were all around me to do this. Being here doesn't seem to bother me today because I feel like I have something more. I have this thing that might be wonderful growing in my brain and it's not a tumor! I almost think that's more why I needed the vacation. I needed to regain hope in myself that this isn't my only option. I'm a slacker though so will see how long I can keep this up!

Why?

The feds have yet to give me money. So I get to wait on hold forever! Yeah!!! I hate this. All I want is to get my money damn it. The most annoying thing to me ever is having to sit here and wait for them. I've got about 15 minutes left in me to sit here in wait since that will be my break time. I feel like a slacker spending the first part of my day on hold I can't help but wish I didn't have a scheduled break. It's just a cigarette damn it! So what's up feds it's JULY! Everyone else has gotten their money so where is mine? Oh, lost you say! Well, no thank you for having me on hold for the past 35 minutes so you can tell me that I need to re-send it and that you people obviously can't do your job correctly. Damn it. Now I have to figure that out and I'm working off of maybe 4 hours of sleep today. Which isn't really anything new. I haven't been able to sleep that much for the past week. They don't even have real coffee here! It's all decaf, which is like a really bad cock tease. I've tried everything to help me sleep. I've been reading, wrote close to a novel of thoughts in my journal, playing video games, etc. Nothing helps besides the obvious which is drinking and I feel kind of bad doing that every day. All I want is my god damn money from the government right now and a stiff drink. Or a whole bottle... it's a little past noon that's okay to have those thoughts right? Yea smoke time! Yes I know I'm bitching but I'm trying to update more! I shall rant to you soon...

Spiral of me

I've had it with today. Maybe not today, perhaps I have had it with myself. I can't seem to keep myself happy. I went to my happy place and everything. I pictured the blue sky, the fucking ocean and even puppies, no happiness to be found. I almost feel like I am at an odd crossroad. Let me explain. Last night, I had an epiphany. For the first time in a very long time I was happy. A rush of energy seemed to flow through my body. It felt humbling to be alone and feel this great power inside of me surging through my veins. I wrote at least 12 pages worth of rambling in my journal. All was well. I was grateful for experiencing this. I went to bed early with a smile on my face feeling as though I had things where I wanted them to be. When I woke up today it felt like all of that was gone. I couldn't seem to get in the right step of things. Such is life I thought, once you get things figured out they seem to dissolve down as quick as they were formed. I wonder if I threw myself into this place by putting so much pressure on a pure feeling. Nothing amazing had happened really to make me happy. When I was younger I imagined bottling up these feeling. Preserving them like jam or picked things to break out when needed. I feel like everything is out of whack today. The stress cause by the stack of bills, nonexistent motivation and lack of food. I realized last night during my happy surge the mistake that I've been making all of these years. I've felt a need to become something. Thinking to myself that if I do this or that I will become this. I would evolve into this wonderful person that I felt that I could be. After many tries and fails, I get upset and quit. I never quite realized that all this time I spend trying to become someone else should be spent appreciating who I am. I'm still not there. I can point out my flaws like no ones business. I know everyone does this, but it still doesn't make it okay. I don't know how to fully love and accept myself. Leaving me here, hating myself yet again. Blaming my problems on the day. Why is it so much easier to see the flaws? Why can't I seem to see the goodness of me? I wish I could be to a point where I don't want to change myself or my life. To just stay at that happy place. I doubt that anyone really gets there. Most of this spiral of thoughts is lead on by the one question I've been asking myself for years. What do I want to do when I grow up? Who do I want to be? Teachers ask you it in school. Parents ask you at home. The people around me already seem to have it figured out. I wonder why it seems so much easier for them to know what they wanted to do. Not for me! I have to sit there and nit-pick every option. I find a flaw in all that I think about doing and in my anxiety driven thoughts I decide that it won't work. I let my dreams unravel time and time again. I feel like I should allow myself to actually go for them instead I don't. Fretting to make a mistake or lack of judgement. I ease away from thoughts of school walking away from them when I feel they're impossible. Now my head hurts and the happiness brought upon me is from the clicking of a few aspirin against my teeth. No wonder I put myself down when I have been giving so much stress into a simple question. Agonizing over it for the past 6+ years. I need to find me and ask what I really want to do with my life once in for all. I need to stop beating myself up.