Here you are...

I promised a glimpse of who I am to those of you who have been faithful readers of mine over the past few month. I'm happy that someone at least appreciates (or deals with) my rambling. So here you are... not quite an impressive photo, but I try! More rambling to come, you can count on that!!!!! I've just been getting over a cold, plus I had a root canal on monday. Thank you again for reading! And yes that's a usual self pic pose... don't judge me!

Okay I lie... well I was bored

Here's a short story I threw together due to boredom of the sickness. There is really only so much I can do when I'm sick. Pretty much brought to you by cough drops and extra strength cold medicine. Enjoy! ***I must warn you, I swear like a sailor when I'm drugged up!

What the fuck is her name? Come on it’s in there, you remember don’t you? Blame it on the bad memory, I guess. The pure fact you were wasted and spent most of the time obviously staring at her breast probably didn’t help. Are you even sure this is her? The girl you were talking to? I mean she’s hot, but who the fuck knows! Did you actually look at her face while you were running your mouth trying to get her in bed? Damn it. Well she’s in your bed and you have no clue what her name is. Her blond hair splayed out over your nasty old pillow. She has dark circles under her eyes from last night’s makeup. After peaking under the blankets you realize that yes, she’s naked. She looks amazing naked. Nice, but you don’t even remember fucking her. Did you fuck her? Maybe she drugged you and took advantage of your drugged up state. Yeah right. Why the hell would she do that? You look over at a glass and take a sip, spitting it back out after realizing it was vodka and not water. Fucking harsh vodka, you can still feel it in your mouth from last night. It mixes against your morning breath making you taking a few seconds to cough the taste off. Why would you want that this morning? You carefully throw back the blankets, trying hard not to wake up the chick in your bed. You’re light headed and the room spins for a while before you can get your balance. Carelessly grabbing those nasty boxers off the floor, you sneak off to the bathroom. The light flickers on slowly and you wipe off the grunge of the mirror so you can see yourself. God that’s nasty, you remember why you want to move out of this shit hole you call home. You look like shit, hair sticking straight up and drool staining the slide of your cheek. You have a huge bruise on your chest, which is only exaggerated by a gash running down your arm. That definitely should be something you’d remember. The blood is dried on to your flesh and as you wash it off it stings like a bitch. Damn, what the hell happened? You remember talking to the girl that’s assumingly in your bed over a smoke outside. The two of you headed back into the party to take a shot. Of course you were trying to impress her even though you’re not a shot kind of guy. That’s it though, nothing more after that point. So you blacked out, right? Not like that’s the first time or anything. You finish cleaning yourself up and take a piss. You glance at yourself one more time, shaking your head before you stumble into the living room. Damn you look rough! The living room looks like a sea filled with people. There are articles of clothing lying about. A few people embracing the person next to them, their bodies meshed together. There are others lying curled up alone, looking like they wanted the warmth of someone else but passed out before they could achieve that goal. After rummaging through the countless amounts of passed out people, you find what you remember to be her purse. How the hell do you remember her purse and not her name? Well that’s beyond you. You look around to make sure no one sees you carrying her purse into the hall. Shit they’re all out, why do you even bother? After unzipping the thing you find a wallet on top, bingo! There it is, her id staring you in the face. Yes, that’s the one, the girl sleeping in your bed. Melissa, she’s 23 and an organ donor. Well that settles that question, thank god! You wonder if the other question you have about last night will be answered. You also wonder if you really care or would want to know. You set down her purse and wonder back to your room, crashing back on your bed. There goes being sneaky! She moans and tosses the blankets off of her head. She stretches her arms, exposing her breasts. She glances over at you with those green eyes still full of sleep. “Shit what happened,” she asks, “and I’m sorry but who the hell are you?”

I know, I know....

Since I seemingly have little to rant about and this god awful cold that has me laid out for week now. It seems like it might be a bit longer! So I figured I would open up both blogs to questions for the week. I should be back to top condition with tons to say but for now it's all up for grabs... Questions can be honestly about anything, and I promise will give an honest answer. The possibilities are endless! Thank you, you might get a lovely prize for best question! No pressure now!

head in the clouds

I've been reading this book all day today called Pretty Little Mistakes by Heather McElhatton. It's one of those alternate ending books, where you start off with one beginning and work your way through endless possibilities. It's amazing to really think about the choices you make in life and all the different things that happen or could have happened due to your choices. It's really been making me contemplate on my own personal choices in life. It's odd to really think how much different your life could be if things weren't the way they are. Everyday we are posed with different choices in life. Sometimes it's easy not to really think about the consequences of simple decisions that end up changing your life completely. I guess the best way to describe it is a complete mind fuck. It has really made me think all day about the "what ifs" of life. Like what if I would have stayed in my small ass hick town I grew up in? Or what if I wouldn't have dropped out of college? Stayed with my ex? I have never regretted a single thing that I have done with my life. Not one. It's easy to say that but I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I chose the path I did because that was the path I was suppose to take. If I wouldn't have done that I probably wouldn't be here writing on this blog! I definitely wouldn't be where I'm at with my life. I'd be some knocked up chick, with my 3rd child on the way, desperately wanting more out of life. Either that or a snobby hair dresser... Jesus I don't know what would be worse for me! It seems odd to think I wouldn't be who I am today. That I wouldn't know the people I do or think that way I feel I always have. Could things be better if life was different? Of course, but they could also be worse. I don't believe in destiny really. I don't think that we are destined to do certain things or that certain things happen because of some plan from where the hell ever. I think we are all posed with choices and those choices make your life. That life isn't some damn predetermined plot, that just doesn't make sense. Even though it's normal to wonder about how things could have been, I feel so happy with my life. Yes, I have struggled as everyone has. I disappointed my parents by dropping out of college. I hurt people that I loved at one point because it didn't feel right. I know that my choices have lead me to where I am and if I didn't do these things I wouldn't be me, god damn it! I guess that's why it's so interesting to read stuff like this. It makes you actually use your brain. Yeah... I'm going to go ponder life more, although it's snowing here (yea wtf!) and it's hard to think when anger consumes you!

Geek love

When I was younger my mom told me to find a nice geeky boy. She explained the theory that most geeky guys turn out to be the guys you want to settle down with. Of course I didn't listen to her and spent my teen years chasing after the usual burnouts and jocks. It wasn't until I left my small ass town, heart broken and some how std free, that I realized geeks are hot. After dating several of them and learning the 'geeky way' I realized how much I must have missed out on. Leaving me where I am at now a geeky girl, who'd much rather expand my music and geek knowledge than participate in the usual girly activities. While others enjoy shopping and clubbing; I've prided myself on being able to name the band within the first 30 seconds of any song on the public radio station and knowing every geeky site out there. Today when I was exploring the vast world that is the internet I ran across and article about why geeky guys are much more appealing now more than ever. It obviously drew my attention right away. As I read into it I was extremely disappointed that most of their case was on the pure fact that most geeks actually work out. Okay, so like go to the gym, making them in better shape than the once jocks of the world. WTF?! Seriously!!!! The reason geeky guys are attractive is because of that? It seems so superficial to say that is it. Most of the geeky guys I've been attracted to was not because of their physical qualities. They had stunning personalities, sharp wit and god forbid brains! They opened a different world that I didn't know about, letting me be as geeky as I wanted! By saying that these geeks are more attracted completely based off of their physical attributes you're missing the pure fact why these people are attractive, personality! I suppose it's easier to by pass this. When most people meet me they don't believe that I am a geek until we actually start talking. I don't break out my glasses that much and I guess from the outside I am less geeky than most. I take pride in the fact that I am geeky and honestly I get more ass now than I did back in the day. I would hope that it's not just because of my physical qualities but that my personality has something to do with it as well! I felt like that article completely missed the nail on the head and it made me angry that even as adults, some people are still stuck in that mind frame of high school dumbness. So to us true geek lovers and geeks alike I say prevail against the stupid people of the world!!! We're way better than them anyways!!!

picture my joy!

In an attempt to let you, my lovely reader get to know me. I figured I'd do a picture survey. Plus it's slow at work, and this seems more entertaining! Okay, I'm just being a lazy bastard, but enjoy...

What are you really into right now?





If you were to go to outer space for the rest of your life and could only take three people with you, who would they be?







What do you want to be when you grow up?



If you could say one thing to any one person right now and not have any regrets, who would it be and what would you say?



to all the crazies of the world....

What would be your dream life?



full time blogger, some where like this...



What makes you happiest?


Where do you want to go right now?


What do yo do to relieve stress?



What are you doing tommorow?


Seeing these guys...

candy!!!!

I've been popping Easter candy like it's going out of style today. One of the downfalls of working in an office, everyone stocks up on candy after holidays. Of course, they didn't have a gun to my head as I grabbed my sixth (okay, ninth) handful of malt ball eggs. Honestly, I can't help it. You place candy out I'm going to steal it. I think it's like an unspoken rule. Do I feel bad as the secretaries give me dirty looks as I grab an extra, filled with sugar and love candy? Hell no! I think Easter candy is some of the best candy out there! Even if I don't celebrate the holiday! Of course, I will sure as hell stock up my pockets full of the wonderful goodies and not feel even the slightest bit of guilt! For now I will live hopped up on candy!! I feel like such a rebel! Whahahahaha!!!!! I'm sure I will feel different after my sugar buzz recedes, my teeth hurt and my pants become uncomfortably tight!

rant, rant, rabble, rabble...

Waking up to snow this morning was like a punch in the face! I mean seriously it's March. It's not December, when you know it's most likely going to happen. It's spring now, when it this weather going to end?! I was almost going to put up a happy post yesterday about the nicer weather we've been having up here in the wretched state of Minne'snow'ta. It was like walking around to power pop, while unicorns and rainbows flew around you. I know that may seem lame but I'm trying to think of good analogies for wonderfulness! Well just imagine the disgust the next day of finding piles of snow and all your unicorns dead. Their blood splatted in the snow, while you walk to bad metal music. All this week there has been people walking around in t-shirts! I got to see skin! That's right, arms were bare! A few legs as well! But then this comes and we are forced to retreat back into our winter coats. I forced myself to the usual walk to work, even though I was cursing under my breath. I want to move.
It's funny how even the weather can be a slight distraction from the other thoughts that have been haunting me all week. I keep getting the same question popping up in my mind. It's almost like a bad joke. "What are you trying to prove?" It feel cryptic. I suppose a lot of it is the pressure I've been feeding myself. With me wanting to starting school soon and make an actual difference with my life. Yet, dealing with all of my friends in some sort of turmoil right now and seeing them failing with their dreams. I've always been the person they've turned to for help. Although I am the youngest of the group, they know that I am the more honest and willing to hear them out. Usually I am more than willing to lend a shoulder or give some sort of opinion. Unfortunately now it feels like they are all running to me like I'm a poor martyr. It honestly feels like there is a doom cloud surrounding everyone. The calm before the storm. I have yet to feel the wrath from it *knock on wood* but I know that something is happening. It's a feeling. Watching others being pushed down, while I am still climbing strong without any resistance. Yet, I feel this warning and I see the destruction. It's hard to explain. Perhaps I've just been reading too much science fiction lately! I just know last year I felt this and doom came as I had assumed it would. Some of my friends were forced to move, a few love affairs ended and everything seemingly changed in an instant. So I suppose I have every reason to be cautious. With this doom feeling lurking, I guess it makes sense why I am wondering what I am trying to prove. I guess I have a lot to sort through as I spend my weekend alone with my cat. I'm sure she can help me out by staring at me for hours and meowing annoyingly.

hookups and harping

All today I have been full of thought. This weekend I had indulged in the usual festive drinking. The green beer and strong wine hit me hard! As I'm sure it has with many people! I ended up finishing up a bottle of wine and dancing on a table. Not exactly my proudest moment! At the end of the night I hooked up with my friends hot neighbor boy. Let me explain before you start judging me. I met him a year ago after my friend moved in. He looks like the lead singer of a very artsy band that I love and he plays the piano. *Swoon* So what am I getting at? I mean besides bragging a bit! Although a lot of my friends high-fived me for even attempting that, one of my best friends told me I 'collect guys like some women hand bags'. I figured that maybe this was just a jealous remark after dealing with the end of her relationship the day before. I usually don't take things people say that seriously. In this case, since it came from a friend I did. I can still feel the sting of her comment today! So, is there still a double standard towards hookups in place today? I know a lot of the conservative views towards hookups have gracefully disappeared. I can see up to a certain extent this kind of behavior being negative. Also if things where the way they use to be in society. As in if a man goes out and hooks up with a hot girl he's a god! Alas if us single ladies hookup with a hot guy she's a slut. It's not like I'm bringing home a new guy every night. Trust me! Most of the guys I end up getting physical with I've known for a while and it definitely doesn't happen often! Perhaps I am looking for a good excuse to justify my actions besides the fact that we are both single, he was really cute and we are both consensual adults. What do you think?

As far as I have known life is not all rainbows and sunshine. This is nothing new. Day in and day out most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. The "thriving" middle and lower class citizens. Enthusiastic about the little we may have to spend on extra, unnecessary items. This is the way that society has brought us up. Cradling us in her arms in childhood and adolescence before throwing us to the sharks in adulthood. I strive for some sort of meaning to all. When I was younger I never quite understood this process. With a middle/lower class much larger than the high class, why have we not all come together to revolt against the way that society is? I guess part of me has always realized that some of us are content with the way our lives are now. The struggle of life is not a new concept for humans. We busy ourselves with mundane tasks to ignore the obvious surrounding us. It wasn't until this morning when I felt absolute suffering for another human that I started questioning this again. I know what you are thinking, the Buddhist is ranting about suffering! Let me give you a picture of what I saw. I was waiting for a prescription after a doctors appointment to help me sleep. I was nervously awaiting the dreaded co-pay that most medicine requires and staring at an unruly child who was definitely not wanting to go to the doctor. An older gentlemen around 70 I assume walked up to the pharmacy window. In a gentle voice he said he needed his heart medication and handed the pharmacist his slip of paper. The pharmacist glanced at him and promptly asked for an insurance card. The older gentlemen fumbled with his wallet and glanced back up to say he didn't have any. The pharmacist insisted that the medication wasn't expensive and it would only cost the man one hundred dollars for both. Once he said that, the man told him he didn't have any way to pay. He inquired that his son usually got him his medication but he was away on business. The pharmacist looked unamused and said there was no way to bill him and he'd have to come back when he actually had money to cover. I looked at the old man, trying not to stare as he folded up his slip of paper. His eyes filled with tears and his face filled with shame as he made slowly made his way out of the building. It was hard not to feel some sort of compassion for this man. Who knows maybe that medicine was really important to him. I felt like someone should step up and say the policy was wrong. If it's a life threatening situation how could you not supply someone with the medicine they need to feel better?

Like a prayer...

Maybe it's just the weather or something to that effect, but I've been feeling angry and anti-social lately. It's freezing here in Minnesota with what seems like no end. I'm finally getting over the flu that everyone seems to have right now. Which just leaves me slightly disorientated towards everything. I'm starting to wonder why I still reside in this frigged tundra. Everyone is huddled up in their homes trying to stay warm. Anger on the faces of those of us who have to brave it for another day.
In the mist of my coldness induced anger I get in a slight quibble with a coworker. This brings up the topic at hand which is much debatable, freedom of religion. Although we live in a land where freedom rings. What is appropriate for work when it comes to religion? My coworker is a very hardcore Christian. I can point out at least thirteen things in her work space that is religious affiliated, including a pocket bible. This does not bother me that much. I understand that everyone has their rights to make their space comfortable and if that does it for you, great. The problem at hand is pushing of religion. We were discussing my difference in religion from hers and she became very "preachy". In my head pushing your religious view on someone in a workplace is very inappropriate. I don't push my view on anyone whether in work or out because everyone has their own individual right to choose what works best for them. Although when confronted in a matter that seems pushy I will defend my views. If I started bringing Buddha statues and putting up Buddhism stuff everywhere it would seem like I was trying to start an all out war with her. But I can not really say anything just bite my tongue when it comes to her dismissing my views because hers are "right". I understand that a large percent of the population is Christian and that many work places will give other religious affiliations time to pray. So in a grey area, like a work place, what is appropriate when it come to religion? Is there anything you can really do about conflicting views?

dinky lame bars

So I finally hit up the bar in my hometown over the weekend. That was quite amusing. It seemed like any hellhole in the middle of nowhere. The neon lights burnt out and horrible music cranked. While the slutty girls spill beer everywhere and spread the love/usual sexual transmitted diseases. I haven't been anywhere around the town I grew up in about 5 years. I have done this not only by choice but by necessity. It's one of those god awful places that tends to draw people in, so it can suck the life force out of them. They spend their miserable lives at the dinky bar, while their hick significant others cheat on them under their noses. They make ends meet by working at the casino or the plastic factory in town. Imagine my surprise when I walk in to see most of my graduated class there. This is sarcasm. These people were completely worthless. The snotty, stuck up bitches who ignored everyone. The people who went to class more stoned than anyone I've ever seen in my life and I was brought up by hippies. My utter amusement stuck on my face as I smiled at them all. I'm not one to be this way. I never feel superior than other people. But these people almost seemingly deserved it. These were the people who would put down someone for not partying or buying *gasp* a shirt from target. All of them had kids, were married or currently divorced. I slammed a few shots and stumbled over to a table with my beer in hand. I didn't talk to one person besides my friend who brought me there and the bartender. Part of me felt sad for these people. The ones that I never would have guessed would still be there. For their age they looked ragged. It was almost pathetic to see what they looked like now. As I sat there feeling pity for these poor souls trapped in middle of nowhere hell, a girl I knew walked up to our table. She glanced at my friend and glanced at me. Standing there with cell phone to her ear and clutching her extremely fake designer purse, she pompously looked at us and walked away. Although I had every intention of ignoring everyone else in the bar it was difficult when they were so rude to us. So as we walked out to leave I saw her outside. One of her friends said I looked pissed. I looked at him confused and said, "No this is the best night ever!" I high-fived the guy, looked at her and then back to him. "You know it's not everyday I get an ego boast by seeing everyone I hate is still stuck here and they're still really lame," I added walking off with my friend. I have seriously never felt so alive! It may have been a low blow but I really meant it... I'm a horriable person!